Saturday, February 25, 2006

It Hurts to be Beautiful

This is an actually picture of my eye. I just took it with my trusty camera phone. The reason for this picture is, I'm only wearing one contact today.

There's a perfectly good explanation as to why this has happened. See, this morning as I was getting ready for my day finally it came time for me to put in my contacts. Now, don't get me wrong, I have some awesome glasses and I do wear them now and then. But, it's Saturday, I just got a new pair of jeans and I'm going out tonight. I want to look as hot as therefore the contacts come out to play! First I put in the right eye contact, no problems! Now, here's were I run into some trouble. I dip my finger into the little contact holder full of contact solution, only to find that the damn contact is ripped!!!

Because my mother always told me, "RevRee, it hurts to be beautiful!" I thought, hey I can take the pain! After all mom says "It hurts to be beautiful!" Suck it up and take it like a woman! So, I slowly and very gently attempt to insert this ripped contact into my left eye. It burns, it burns!!!! My eye starts to water. I try to pry my eye open with my fingers, finally it's IN! I close my eye tightly, hoping that it's going to stop burning. Yeah Right! It burns like someone dipped my contact in hot sauce!

I stand there, my eye burning and watering. I'm standing there as though I think somethings actually going to change. Finally because I'm sometimes a little slow, I say to myself "Fuck it, this sucks!" I quickly rip the contact our of my left eye and throw it in the trash. I then realize that my vision isn't so bad with only one contact in. I can actually see across the room!

I finally decided to compromise. I'll just wear one contact! Yeah, that's a great idea! I can see, no problem! BULL SHIT I CAN SEE! I can't see a damn thing! It's a good thing I took my cute glasses along, otherwise I wouldn't be able to tell this little useless story!

Thursday, February 23, 2006

That's Balder than Kojak's Head

So the other day I go to get a new tire for me car. The tire I had was extremely bad. I'm talking about to the point of having a huge lump. Now, I know what you're thinking


Well, to be perfectly honest, I have no idea. When it comes to car maintenance and mechanics, I'm not too bright. To give you an example, back in college I once blew up the engine of my car not once, but twice! SHUDUP!, STOP JUDGING ME!

So anyway, I get to the tire shop. I had gotten tires for my car about a year ago at this same place. The tires have a lifetime warranty. So the obvious choice would be to go back to the tire store and get a new tire, no charge right? WRONG! I get there, and stand in line for what seems to be eternity.

Finally one of the mechanics notices that I'm patiently waiting. He asks with a slight annoyed tone to his voice "May I help you??" I simply yet sweetly say "My tire is about to go and I need to get a new one...I have a..." The guy cuts me off "which tire is it???" I again simply yet sweetly reply "well, it's my back passenger tire and I have a..." He cuts me off again "you're damn right you have a bad tire. This things balder than Kojak's head!..." I guess that was suppose to be funny??... NOT! I, of course being the cute, sweet person that I am, give him a slight laugh in hopes of at least charming him a bit. He continues "so you want a new tires then???"

I reply quickly "yesandIhaveawarrentytoo" He stops, looks back at the tire again and says "Nah, that's not our didn't get that from us" I quickly look up at him "What? Yes I did get the tire from here, just over a year ago..." He puts down his clip board and pen, and starts walking away from me as he screams across the garage "HEY, BERTHA, SOME LADY SAYS SHE GOT TIRES HERE BUT THEY SURE DON'T LOOK LIKE OURS. COME TAKE A LOOK"

This very manly woman comes walking over. I'm at this point getting a little pissed off. She comes over, doesn't say a word to me, looks down at the tire, quickly says "Nope, not our tire" I say "Excuse me? I bought this tire from this place one year ago!" she also cuts me off ""Well, I've worked here for 3 years and I've never seen that brand of tire" I'm starting to get upset by this time and I say "So you're implying that I'm a liar?" The SHE-MALE doesn't say a damn thing, she just walks off.

I'm standing there in complete amazement. I turn to the other guy and ask him "So you're saying I didn't get the tire here???" He doesn't look at me, he continues to look down at his little clip board and says "You want a tire then?..." I just look at him. I'm so angry and annoyed that I can't even speak. Finally I'm able to say something like "of course I'm going to need a tire. It's about to blow up"

He proceeds to take my keys and says to go wait in the lobby area. I'm so pissed off I think I had fire coming from my eyes. I walk into the lobby and wait. The sales clerk walks up to me, asking if I've been helped. I begin to tell him how I had gotten tires at this very place one year ago. He says he'll look in the computer. As he's typing in my info, I observe that this guy probably in his mid 20's had hickeys all over his neck! I'm talking black, blue, purple! I started to gag, but thankfully I was able to hold it in. Finally he says, yeah, you got tires from us about a year ago. I'm about to say something but he too cuts me off " HEY HAL, THIS LADY DID BUY TIRES FROM US! WILL YOU GO TAKE LOOK AT THE TIRE"

Hal, is the SOB manager whom I hadn't met until right then. He walks up, doesn't address me, but asks the clerk which car. The clerk points to mine and the SOB manager walks over to my little baby. He comes back quickly, stepping in the doorway again not talking to me, but says to the clerk "Listen, SHE did NOT get the tire here. That tire IS NOT from us. I don't care what SHE says, there is no way that tire is from here." Now, I'm standing not 5 feet from the guy as he says this. I begin to laugh (I do that when I'm about to lose my temper) I say "So, you're saying I didn't buy it here and I'm telling you I didn't buy my tires anyplace else. Bottom line, you're telling ME THAT I'M A LIAR?!" The SOB manager still will not even look at me. He just walks away. I turn and look at the clerk saying "This is unbelievable..." The clerk says "So, you wanna pay now or wait?" What the FUCK? I felt like I was in some type or nightmare! Finally, I just look at him and walk away.

*I did end up getting my tire fixed there. I really had no choice. After all the tire was balder than Kojak's head...

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

I gotta new BOX!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am proud to announce a couple of new editions to my lovely little blog. First I'd like to introduce a few new added bloggers to my blogging network. As always, each of them has their very own unique point of view & style. I hope everyone will take some time to check out their work!

  • The Planet Bill

  • Swim at your own Risk

  • TheIdleReceptionist

  • The Newsbitch

  • The other big announcement that I'm really excited about is my new BOX! Now, now, not THAT box! (that box is just fine...) I'm talkin' about a chatter-box on my blog's side-bar. Please use it, and use it, and use I mean, please stop by and say hi!

    Tuesday, February 21, 2006

    Viewer Discretion is Advised!

    #1: Who told these people this was ok?

    #2: What's with the costumes?

    #3: Where can I get myself an outfit like that?

    #4: When did Sex on Ice become an Olympic sport?

    and my personal favorite...

    *Yes, I posted this on a message board, but these questions are way too important not to post on my own damn blog!

    Friday, February 17, 2006

    Everything's possible with a Hoveround

    I took a much dreaded trip to Wal-Mart the other evening after work. I was actually in the ladies sock section (Yeah, SO I might buy my socks at what?) Anyway, I make my way to the ladies underwear section (I was ONLY looking...HA HA HA What? You actually think I'd BUY panties at Wal-Mart?)

    I'm looking at this really cute pink bra, when all of a sudden in the corner of my eye I catch something zip past the isle. I quickly turn, but I don't see anything. I continue to browse through the cheap underwear only to see something in my peripheral vision, I again turn to look, just as I see someone in a hoveround zipping into the next isle over. I think nothing of this...after all I'm at Wal-Mart and this is something you see often.

    I make my way slowly to the next isle of cheap lingerie as I find myself facing an old man in a hoveround looking at thongs. YES, I just said thong panties! I'm standing there, completely transfixed on this sight. I can't help but stare at this old man. He isn't paying attention to me at all, he's too enthralled with all the verities of thongs one could possibly buy! I look over to observe what he has in his hoveround cart....

    To my horror, I see piles and piles of ladies undergarments, bras, panties, colorful socks, name it, this guy had in his hoveround cart. I actually think I saw some type of hand lotion and KY jelly at the very bottom of the cart as well. I quickly turn to pretend to be looking at some granny panties (They were closest to me, I SWEAR, I DON'T wear granny panties!...) Anyway, I continue to observer this old man. He keeps completly to himself while driving that ole hoveround, I swear like it was a tank in a WWII war zone.

    Finally after he picks up a few colorful thong panties he zips his way over to the purse section, bumping into a few corners as he proceeds to his next destination.

    I slowly walk to the edge of the isle peaking around to watch the dirty old man rummage though the ladies hand bags. Only to see him pick out this little leppard print mini purse. I try to hold back my laughter, but I just couldn't BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!

    He stops, looks up at me, gives me a slight frown and growl, throws the cute little purse in to his hoveround basket and speeds off! I try to get my camera phone out of my own purse, but the old man was just to damn quick for me!

    Ladies and gentlemen, I am forever damaged after seeing this sight. I don't think I'll ever be able to purchase any type of undergarment apparel at Wal-Mart again. I mean, not that I did or would in the first place...

    Have a wonderful weekend!

    Monday, February 13, 2006

    Drop it like it's hot

    "She's a maniac, maniac in the car and she's dancing like she's never danced before She's a maniac, maniac in the car and she's dancing like she's never danced before" ~Michael Sembello

    I have a very important confession to make...I am a professional car dancer! For those of you who don't know what a "car dancer" is, It's someone who seriously gets down and drops it like it's hot, while in the car. I'm personally talented in anything from the running man, the cabbage patch, the electric slide and of course any type of techno booty shake!

    If you really want to bring down the house, while you're at a stop light, cars all around you, the secret is NO EYE CONTACT! You can NOT look at any of the other drivers around you. They might be enjoying your little dance sensation, but you have no idea! and the beautiful part is, you don't care!

    Shake your money maker, clap your hands, stomp your feet and get completely into the music! Just remember, watch the stop lights and drive safely.

    The little video clip below is just a small example of what a car dancer truly is. (Make sure your speakers are up and working)

    If you have passengers that aren't participating in the dance marathon, have them keep an eye out for you. Have them give you a play by play of some of the reactions from your fellow drivers.

    I can't express to you enough how much fun this is! Next time you're driving down the road in town or on the interstate, try it! I promise you'll like it!

    Tuesday, February 07, 2006


    With just one week to go before that glorious day we love to call Valentine's Day, I wanted to express my thoughts on the whole matter. Including some tips on how to survive the damn day. A day that minutes seem like hours, and hours like days as we reflect depressingly on past romantic adventures, today's loneliness, and the unavoidable heartbreak that will repeatedly happen in the years to come.

    When being single and holidays collide, it sucks. We're forced to find peace and comfort in self-pity and fatty foods. It's really sad that people are made to feel bad because they don't have a freakin' loved one in their life. Because I'm one of those people, I've come up with a few tips on how to endure this dreaded day.

    #1: Avoid any place couples might be spotted.

    #2: Go rent a movie that's full of violence, aggression and lots of swearing.

    #3: If you feel like you need to laugh, go to Hallmark and watch desperate people try to pick out the perfect card.

    #4: Go to the grocery store and watch people fight over the picked through remains of flowers hoping it will get them laid.

    #5: Prank call all your friends who are in relationships.

    #6: Take a hot bubble bath, light some candles and love yourself.

    #7: Close all the blinds, turn off all the lights, take some NyQuil and go to bed.

    #8: Get trashed, make out with the bartender, call a cab and go home at 4am.

    #9: Go home and destroy at least one item given to you by an ex. (yes, admit it! We all have something from them STILL)

    #10: Call said ex and make up some story about having a hot date and lots of sex.

    There you have it ladies and gentleman! You may be all alone and have no "love" in your life. But, be proud, hold your head up high, wear lots of black and remember there's always sweet, sweet alcohol and frozen Snickers bars!

    Saturday, February 04, 2006

    Sexual Healing

    "When I get this feeling, I need Sexual Healing. Oh baby makes me feel so fine, helps to relieve my mind Sexual Healing." ~Marvin Gaye

    I've been attending a yoga class recently. Man, I have to admit I'm really enjoying this class! It's calming but at the same time, a hard work out. When I'm finished, I kinda feel like I just had sex. My hairs all wet, my whole body moist with sweat, slightly breathing heavy, it truly is a beautiful thing. Some of the positions that I'm learning in this class do I put this...Slightly on the sexual side.

    I mean, look at this position right here. Tell me what it looks like to you? Yeah, that's what I thought... You know, I had an awesome idea. Why not teach a class on sexual positions? I mean of course you would make it tasteful. We wouldn't want it to be considered perverted. I'm sure we can all admit to the fact that we could use some pointers on sexual positioning. It's ok to admit that we may need some advice. I think it might be a great class for couples. Of course there would be no nudity or perversion. It's more like an adult "Health Class".

    It would be like learning how to have sex while actually promoting your health. How cool is that? Yoga's unique ability to focus, stretch and strengthen one of the most important yet often neglected regions of our bodies. For a stronger, sexier more confident you. It could be like unlocking years of tension in your sexual muscles and repairing the damage caused from having bad sex and THAT could be negatively affecting your love life.

    Having this epiphany and learning all this new stuff, It's too bad I'm not married or have a current boyfriend. Things would really be starting to heat up! I suppose, I'll just save it for a rainy day or a really hot guy.....
    I'm Kidding! I'm a good girl, I swear!