Sunday, November 27, 2005

5 simple "guidelines"

Last night I made a stop at the usual pub after returning home from the my parents place. I had a few drinks with friends who also were back from family events and such, they needed a drink too! It's fun to hear everyone venting about family in their own special loving way!

As I'm sitting at the table, listening to all these stories of stress and family gossip. I see two people sitting in the corner. The female looks very uncomfortable...she has one of those fake smiles. The guy's talking a mile a minute while he keeps grabbing her hand and caressing her cheek. I know this chick...she barley knows this guy and she isn't interested. But, he thinks he's marking his territory and assuming they're together.

He kept wanting to talk about their supposed relationship. He kept pressing her to go out of town with him next week... "We need to take a trip together. I think it will be healthy for us if we do...we'll get to know each other better and give us some time alone away from this place" The look on her face was priceless!

I could almost hear her thinking "who the hell do you think you are??? God, stop pressuring me! I don't even like you that much...I wonder what my next drink should be..."

He wasn't paying attention to a single thing she said or did. He was all about his needs and what he wanted. It was going right over his head...the fact that she was being unresponsive, bored and slightly cold. That's the first clue that SHE ISN'T INTERESTED!!!! Does he care? Probably not, will he notice? No.

I've put together 5 simple rules...well, lets call them "guidelines". These 5 simple "guidelines" will maybe help some, NOT make an ass out of themselves.

Rule #1 Don't act needy and desperate. DO NOT TOUCH! Stop touching me, grabbing my hand, patting my knee, pulling my chair closer to yours and acting like you own me.

Rule #2 Stop reminding me about how "beautiful" I am, sitting in the light shining from the bar cooler.

Rule #3 Please, Please, PLEASE! Once you say you're leaving, for the love of god, LEAVE! Don't tease us with the thought of actually getting you off our ass, when you really have no intention of going. If you think we're going to beg you to stay...we're not. We ARE not going to ask you to stay longer.

Rule #4 Stop drinking more than you can handle. Stop being a puss, suck it up like a man and know your limits.

Rule #5 Don't make me scoot over so we can share a single chair. While you're smoking, about to burn my hair and blowing the smoke into my face.

As always, to be fair, there ARE exceptions to all of these rules or I mean guidelines and subject to change. But, the general consensus find these to be pretty valid and true

There you have it. Another inside look at what we females think. I hope this will give some of you out there more understanding and maybe open your eyes to what we want. Of course, I don't have a man, so I could be wrong?...

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Double Cheese Burger in Da Hood

Just the other evening, I went to grab a bite to eat with my friend...we'll call him "Sam" He just got a brand new car and wanted to show it off and take me for a quick ride. We're both poor so we decided to have a lovely dinner at McDonald's Yes I know, it's almost too much to bear! I have a total of $3 to spend, he had $5 worth of McDonald bucks! We're high rollers!

Anyway, we decide to take a longer driver and go to an out-of-the-way Micky D's in the ghetto. We get inside, and there's a very young mother there with her 5 children. I promise you, there were 5 babies all under the age of maybe 10! Running around the joint, screaming and demanding everything on the menu. The mother is being yanked in all directions from her children. She keeps changing her order and for some reason, they only have one person taking orders.

By this time, they're 6-7 people in line waiting for this mommy to finish. I see employees standing around looking at us all, not chipping in to help mind you, just staring. FINALLY a manager comes from out of the back, as he's zipping up his pants. Right behind him is this chick...she's making sure her hair's nice. The "Shift manager" steps up and asks me what I want. I make my order, as does "Sam".

As we're waiting for our order, the MOM finally makes her choices and is given the total. She throws her huge bag on the counter, bends over to reveal her thong, lifting up her pant leg and pulling out a wad of cash. A wad of $100 bills. She hands one to the teller, he looks at it and says they can't make change for a $100. She takes it back, files through her stash and finds a $20. I'm thinking to myself "Why the hell is she keeping all that cash in her sock??? Oh yeah, we're in the "hood"!

"Sam" and I get our orders and begin our journey to find a seat in this HELL HOLE. As we walk through the valley of the shadows of death, we pass by two teenage boys, sittin in the corner. They're not eating anything, they're just sittin there...I think they were cracked out? We pass by an older couple, frantically eating their happy meals and playing with their happy meal toy.

THEN the master piece...a very large man, sitting at a table in the corner. In front of him 6 rolls of quarters (I counted them before passing by) A key chain that was FULL of little charms, stuffed animals and anything else he could fit on it, but oddly no keys? He had a pile of burgers in front of him, along with a huge pile of frys! It was the most grotesques thing I'd ever seen. His face was messy and as I passed him, we made eye contact...his eyes were cold and hallow. I think he was dead...

"Sam" and I quickly ate our food and got out of there as fast as possible! Once we get out the door, I spot this...this THING parked right outside of the building. My jaw dropped, I wanted to scream in complete terror! But I froze, as two rent-a-cops pull up. They slowly walk inside as we hurry to our car. I tell "Sam" I want to get a picture of this THING He tells me to run back over and snap a shot, I tell him I'm too freaking scared to go back other there. He says "Ok, I'll drive by and you hang out the window and grab a quick shot" I agree to this idea. So "Sam" proceeds to drive slowly as I hang out the window and I get a quick snap shot! This is what came out of that picture...

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As you can see, I've marked just some of the areas that were very interesting...There was so much more a picture just could not capture. I might have to go back sometime and see if I can get another shot, but I'm kinda scared to ever return to hell!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Tainted Love

The other night, while I was in traffic I called in to this local pop radio was 80's night. The guy answered and I'm like "will you play a song for me ppppplease I wanna hear Tainted Love, by Soft Cell! pppplease!" he goes "ohhh you're a beggar"
I, of course laugh he goes on..."you know beggars are a tease" I said, "I know...

I went on to tell him a cop car is up ahead on the side of the road watching the traffic, he tells me to blow kisses at the cop, I said "Maybe I should flash him!" he said, "DO it! then rub against the window! I say "ok, hold on"

I set the phone to the side, just as I slowly pull up beside the cop car, I raise my shirt and flash the cop! The cop does the good ole double take...slightly shocked at what He's just seen. By this time, I'm laughing my ass off!

I pick the phone back up, I tell the DJ what I've just done. He tells me my song is coming up next...We say our goodbyes and hang up.

Just as I put my phone away, I see lights flashing right behind me..." OH SHIT! It's the COP!! I slowly pull my car to the side, the cop walks up to my car and I sweetly say "is there a problem officer?" He says "ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to step out of the car..." I get out of my car, he handcuffs me and takes me back to his place. I never did get to hear my requested song...damn...

A special thanks to Mighty Dyckerson for helping me embellish this story to make it entertaining to you, the reader!

Saturday, November 19, 2005

4 Strawberry margarita and a Long Island!

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Last night I went out with friends. We were all sitting around the table. We had a few smokers sitting with us, so the discussion starts about smoking. Should it be allowed in bars. Now grant you, most everyone at this table had been drinking and so I'm sure you can imagine the conversation wasn't the most intellectual. Anyway, as I'm sitting there listening to the debate, joining in at times while drinking my Strawberry margarita (which, by the way is amazingly delicious...I had 3 or 4 I can't remember...)

ANYWAY! We're all sitting there having a good time, laughing, debating, talking. This middle aged woman sitting at the table next to us with all her mid-life crises friends, drinking beer and being loud. She drops her coat...She taps me on the shoulder and says "Did you see that I just dropped my pink coat?" I say to the woman "awww it's a very nice pink coat" I GUESS that was the wrong thing to say??? Maybe I missed the memo that, that phrase was some kind of code word for "Yes I'm a lesbo" Maybe I didn't get this memo because...I'M NOT GAY!

Suddenly I'm caught in the middle of this woman flirting with me. She kept tapping me on the shoulder..."How old do I look?" I say "Oh, about 32?" I of course knew she was much older, but I didn't wanna get decked by this woman! She looks at me as though she wanted to kiss me!!! I'm about to panic when she says "Ohhh, you're just saying that! You're being gratuitous... I'm racking my brain trying to think...what the hell does THAT MEAN???

1 a
: given unearned or without recompense

b : not involving a return benefit, compensation, or consideration

: costing nothing

She finally admits to being 45 years old. I was slightly shocked at her age...she didn't look 45, I admit. I hope I look that good when I'm 45... More than anything I think this woman was drunk off her ass! I don't think she was really Gay. (not that there's anything wrong with that kinda thing) She was just looking for attention, even if it was from a female.

Personally I've never been so drunk that I'd resort to hitting on a fellow female. Nor would I toy with the idea of such a thing! And I had 4 Strawberry margarita and a Long Island!

Monday, November 14, 2005

YOU are still a grown-up!

Holiday season is approaching us quickly. As a single person, In the past I always had a rough time figuring out what I should bring to the big family dinner.

You know how it is...everyone around you is married with small children so all of a sudden they become grown-ups and like magic they know how to make all this domestic crap. Then the single people show up and we're forced to sit at the child's table. We're lucky if we get a big glass plate instead of the the small kiddy plastic plates.

We're asked about relationships and if there's anyone "special" in our lives at the moment. And of course the answer to that question is usually no.(But thank you for bringing up a painful subject and making me feel like a loser!)

When the big family holiday meal is being planned, at least in my family everyone is assigned something to bring. Everyone, except the singles. We're never asked to bring anything. We ask if we can bring anything and the answer is always something like "Oh NO honey, you just bring your self. Let us take care of the cooking. It's a treat to just have you with us"

Why is this? I'd be the one more likely to have time to make some really awesome dish. We don't have to deal with the kids or "married" people crap. So, why NOT ask us to bring something???

In the last few years, I've started bringing something anyway, damnit! I've come up with the perfect dish. This fast, easy and painless dish has quickly become the hit of the holiday season! It's now requested of me to bring my famous tasty appetizer.

You're probably wondering what in the world is this amazing dish??? Well, I'll tell you! Not only will I tell you, I will give you the tools to make this a surprising success for your next holiday dinner. I've created my very own recipe after many, many hours of testing. This dish has the perfect blend of herbs and spices that will leave your mouth watering and asking for more!

Cocktail Smokies in Brown Sugar BBQ Sauce ~ RevRee
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2 (1 lb.) pkg. Hillshire Farm Lit'l Smokies (or your name brand of choice)
1 (18 oz) Bottle of Sweet Baby Ray's Original BBQ Sauce
1 (tsp) Onion Powder
1 (tsp) Salt
2 large (tbs) Brown Sugar
Mix ingredients
Cook in crock pot for 30-45 minutes on medium low and serve.

Now you have the tools to amaze the minds of your friends and family. Next time when you're told you don't have to bring anything for dinner, bring something anyway! Demand it! Show them you're willing and very able.

Just because you eat out every night, have no children, no Boyfriend/Girlfriend, still rent and do your laundry at mom and dads house... Stand proud and know, YOU are still a grown-up!

Sunday, November 13, 2005

#1 Quote of the Day

You, me, him and her...all the world's a game.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

I WANT MY $45 BACK!!!!

It all started last night when I got home. For some fuk...darn reason, I couldn't get any web sites to come up. BUT, my yahoo and aim messenger was working just fine.

So, I called my ISP...They ping my computer ( hahahah sounds kinda kinky)...the "techie" tells me to try and restore my computer to an earlier point. I do this, still nothing. He says "everythings working just fine on our end". I hang up with them and try to figure out the problem on my own. Yeah, real SMART! Finally I decide to back up all my files and reformat the whole damn thing....still FUUKING nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I call my ISP back, it's 1:30am by this time...they don't take calls after 12am, so sorry!!!

I mess around with it for another hour or 3 and go to bed pissed off! I wake up this morning, call my ISP back again...tell them everything that I've done. The guy walks me through a few more things, nothing works. I'm screwed!

He finally says, maybe you can call HP? He gives me the number to HP. I call them, some Indian dude whom I can't understand a single thing he says. I think he tells me my computer is out of warranty so I will have to pay $45 for them to help me with my computer. At this point, I'm thinking...well I guess I have no choice.

I pay the stupid charge and he begins going through a bunch of stupid crap. While I'm on the phone with this guy, I get another call, It's my ISP...I don't answer, they leave a message. As I'm in the middle of HP "attempting" to help me, my internet begins working. I tell the guy this and we hang up. I listen to the message from my ISP and they tell me they figured out a problem was on their end and they've fixed it!!!!!!!! WTF??


*They should be paying me to used their POS machine!

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Some Good People Watchin'

There's a few key places to people watch and the DMV/DOT (Department of Motor Vehicle/Department of Transportation) is one of the top 5 locations for such an activity. I confess, when I have to go, I actually enjoy going to the DMV/DOT because of the awesome people watching that can take place.

Don't get me wrong, I too have my share of anxiety and discomfort when waiting in line. But, I usually don't bring a book along, or whatever to entertain myself. No, I find my entertainment in my surroundings.

It's the only place where everyone is brought to the same level. I don't care who you are, what you do, how you look. It doesn't matter, It's the ultimate equalizer.

You ever notice how it's always extremely crowded. I don't care what time of day you show up, the place is always packed. It's a major multi-cultural event.

The "Appalachian" family: There's usually 6-8 people in this group. But oddly only one of them is getting their license. They're usually very behind the times...sadly some of the kids are running around barefoot. The "mother" figure of the group has a suitcase for a purse. No one has taken a bath, washed their face or brushed their teeth in days.

The meat-head football college kid: He's usually there with his father to pay all his tickets and fines so he can get his license back. The father is obviously pissed off the whole time he's sitting there with his STUPID son. The son is hung over from the night before, sitting there with a baseball cap pulled way down over his eyes.

The lone construction worker: or so we think? He's usually very dirty, paint, mud, grease all over his hands, face, pants, name it. He hasn't shaved for maybe a week. Sometimes, not often, but sometimes this man is attractive underneath the grime. He usually keeps to himself, doesn't look around much, only to make sure he doesn't miss it when his number is called.

The very old couple: These people are like in their late 90's...usually a husband and wife. Somehow they're figured out how to come in and get both their license on the same visit. Maybe they were grandfathered into the system and it's "just allowed." You sometimes can hear this couple talking louder then most everyone else. They're slightly impatient and don't understand how the whole numbers system works.

The bitchy middle aged lady: She's upset because she has to be there, she's upset because she's #123 in line, she's upset she forgot her lipstick, she's pissed off she can't re-do her photo. She usually has a huge rock on her finger. Carries an extremely large DYNK bright colored purse and smells heavily of expensive perfume.

The young mother with the sickly baby: She usually has a huge ass stroller right in the middle of the walk-way. The child is always crying/fussing, the poor kids nose is running constantly and she's trying to stuff some pacifier into it's mouth. She's usually super skinny...we're talking cracked out, meth head skinny. You think to yourself "How the hell did she have that child inside her???

The list goes on and on I'm sure some of you could even add some "types" of your own. Man, I can't wait until my next visit to the DMV/DOT!

Wednesday, November 02, 2005


Have you ever been driving home from work...when all of a sudden you see headlights behind you...not thinking much of it you turn the music on, up loud and begin singing at the top of your lungs. Knowing full well, no one can hear you. After a few miles, a song and a half played out you look behind and that damn car is still tailing your ass.

By this time you're a bit annoyed...mumbling under your breath what the hell is this persons problem...? Just as a favorite song begins to play, cranking your stereo even louder, dancing in the drivers seat...happy that you're finally off work. You come to your first exit, turn the signal light on and merge to the right, heading for the off ramp. You look in the mirror and that DAMN car with the blasted bright headlights is right behind. You see the traffic light ahead is yellow, you speed up to catch it. HA! Sucker! The music goes back on, singing your heart out.

You look in the rare-view mirror, only to see that freaking car with the bright lights right behind you!!! This time you're PISSED OFF! All of a sudden you take a sharp left, then a sharp right....all you hear is BEEEP BEEEP, HONK, HONK!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING???, FEMALE DRIVER!!!! You look in your rare-view mirror again, and the car's still there!!!! You start speeding up, the car starts speeding up...just when you're about to panic...they pass you.

It's never happened to me either, but It's kinda crazy huh?

Tuesday, November 01, 2005


Just a quick note to introduce two new friends to my Blogging Network.

  • Sedated Gorilla

  • Mr. Tong Bliss

  • Each of them has their very own unique style and I hope everyone will take some time to check out their work. Also remember if you haven't already, take a look at the others on my Blogging Network, they are all high quality blogs!

    Thanks, that's all for now!