BREASTSES

According to a recent news story, millions of women suffer from "breast ironing" . Apparently taking a grinding stone, heating it in the fire and pressing it hard on the breasts will stunt breast growth in women.

OUCH!

You know, I don't do other chicks, but I can openly admit that the female breasts are one of the most beautiful creations. I have found myself admiring other women's breastes and I'm not ashamed to point out the lovely ones and the not so lovely boobies.

Fake boobs, I don't get. From what I've been told, they're hard like oranges sometimes even rocks and don't move during sex. Who doesn't like to see breasts bouncing during sex? But, fakes, they just kinda, sit there. It doesn't matter how hard or fast you're going at it, they aren't gonna move. They look like over stretched water balloons that are about to explode! EW!

What sucks just as much, is when you see some chick who's flat as a 12 year old boy, but insists on wearing a bra. She has these two lumps on her chest, It just looks weird, and I'd consider silicone enhancement treatments. So, yeah I suppose, I'd be open to getting fake boobs if I had a flat chest or my breasts were ironed as a small child. (Not to make light of the horrible breast ironing fad)

What I hate, is when I see an over weight woman, wearing a baggy sloppy shirt with no bra on. How do I know she isn't wearing a bra? You can see them flapping side to side when she walks. Sometimes, if you're real quiet and listen, you can hear a slight sucking sound too.

Listen darlin', just because it's a baggy shirt, it isn't going to disguise the fact that you aren't wearing a damn bra!!!

I'd also hate to have those huge over sized natural breasts, like 50 FF! What's that disease called? God, that would suck! It would make sex tough, cuddling would be a bitch too.

I'm not saying I have perfect breasts, but I like em and I don't wish mine were bigger......

Ok, maybe just a little bigger HA!

BIG SWIG OF WARM JAGERMEISTER!!!

So I go out last night to a street party. Yeah, let me tell ya, it was a great night for a party outside! NOT! It was SO FREAKING HOT!! It was like a huge outdoor sauna/sweathouse with no relief in sight!

Anyway, I'm standing outside waiting for the "man of my dreams"who braved the inside bar to attempt to get us some drinks. (From now on, I'm going to call "the man of my dreams", Tom)

So, "Tom" is someplace buried deep inside this bar, as I'm standing outside dodging empty bottles of colt 45 being thrown to the ground. I finally spot some people I know and make my way to them for cover. We're all standing there, talking about how crowded it was and how horrible the heat was, as I see this drunk dude come stand by us.

One of my friends "Jared" whispers in my ear, "I went to high school with that dude". Just as he says this, the dude takes a look at me and starts shouting "JACKSON HIGH, CLASS OF '95 WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Before I could say anything, he grabs me and lifts me off the ground swirling me around in circles. I'm thinking to myself "What the hell?...HELP!!!!"

He lets me back on my feet to stand on my own. Again, before I could tell this guy I had no idea who the fuck he was, I didn't go to Jackson High and I graduated in 1996. He shoves this huge bottle of warm jagermeister wrapped in a paper bag in my face. I'm thinking to myself"Someone, please help, NO! NOT WARM JAGERMEISTER!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH" He says " come'on you're a grown woman, take a drink!!!!!" Yes, folks peer pressure can still work when you're a grown woman.

I grab the warm bottle, wrap my lips around it and take a huge gulp. It takes everything I have not to puke this crap back up in the guys face! I finally swallow like a good girl and this meat-head slaps me on the back like I'm one of his football buddies. "Good Job dude!!!" he says as he hands off the bottle to my friend "Jared".

Finally, after another shot of warm jager, "Tom" makes his was back with our drinks. By this time, I'm a little tingly. The meat-head sees "Tom and walks up to him and shouts "JACKSON HIGH, CLASS OF '95 WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" I'm thinking "Oh god, here we go again..." The meat-head continues "have a drink man" so, "Tom" takes a huge swig, hands it back to the guy and thanks him. I was so tempted to whisper "That is so fucking hot, take me now!!!!"

Not to longer after that, we make our way inside the heat infested bar. Had a few more drinks, and then deciede to to get a late night snack at a local diner. All in all, we had a great night! It was just so damn hot!

"JACKSON HIGH, CLASS OF '95 WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

Scenic View

I had to take a little road trip to see a specialist for some health issues this weekend. It's actually the first time I've taken a road trip by myself. The last time I went on a road trip it was with a boyfriend and we ended up sleeping/having sex in the back of an SUV in the middle of a corn field, down a dirt road, in Wisconsin. It was kinda hot...ok, really hot!

Anyway, after my Doctors appointment, I found this park that bragged about a "Scenic view" So, I hiked up the hill/bluff/mountain, making my way to the top. I didn't think to bring anything to take pictures with, but I did have my beloved camera phone with me! I took a few pictures and I thought I'd share them.




Oh yeah, one more picture! I've never been to one, but I took a picture because it cracked me up! I mean, to actually see one of these in plain view, Amazing!

Single Serving Friend

Yesterday, I had a bad day. So, last night, I went out with friends. I'm standing at the bar, there's a pack of cigarettes sitting at the bar next to me (not mine). This very attractive guy walks up and leans over me to grab one, I say, "hey, hey what are you doing mister?" you know, kinda cute like. He says "can I have one for a kiss?"

I say, "ok, sure" assuming to myself it's gonna be just a peck on the mouth, no big deal, right? Yeah, right!

He leans down for the kiss, and grabs my bottom lip and gently suck it into his mouth, I'm thinking, "alright buddy, you asked for it!" So, I softly slide my tongue along his mouth, then I grab his lower lip sucking it in to my mouth. We being kissing, it was like a beautiful dance. This went on for maybe 3.5 minutes. It was HOT! True story, I swear!

Then, all of a sudden we stop. He walks back to his friends, I go back to mine, No words spoken, nothing.

My friend slowly walks over to me, and whispers in my ear, "what the hell just happened?" I don't even look at her, I simply say "we'll talk about it later", as I take a drink of water. My knees were all weak as I was trying to act cool and totally untouched by what just happened. She says, "Well, your glasses are all fogged up" I look over at her, glasses all foggy and say, "I know".

I guess my day wasn't so bad afterall, True story!

Man of My Dreams

Ladies and gentleman, last night I saw the man of my dreams right before my every eyes. It was a usual night out with friends. We were celebrating a birthday for one of the guys. I walk in to the pub scoping out the place, seeing what the setting is, who I know, you know making sure I'm at the right place, were the bar is, that kinda thing.

Anyway, I order a drink and start talking with some of my friends. I slowly being to look over the room, seeing people I know talking over there, people I don't know, talking over to another side. Then, I spot him!

At this point, I only see the back of his head. I'm slightly intrigued so I continue to look around, always going back to see if I can get a glimpse of his face. Finally, he turns around.... I couldn't help myself, folks, It was like someone had taken my breath right out of my entire body. I quickly inhale a deep breath as I just look at him. My whole being was suddenly awake and very alert!

I could feel my eyes turning a very bright green as they always do when I'm, "intrigued" and because I'm a dork, I was staring at him. Look, I couldn't help it! I'll try to describe him as best I can, but it's impossible to describe something so magnificent in words, but, I'll try.

(He was about 6'2, blonde hair, a little touch of gray on the sides, around 34ish, blue eyes, slight five o'clock shawdow, a stunning smile and the most amazing hands I've ever seen. I honestly think God himself came down and made this guys hands, seriously! )

Suddenly I hear my name coming from across the bar "REVREEEE" one of my girlfriends called out as she snapped me back to reality and out of my dream world.

I walk over to my friend I'll call her "Sally". We begin talking about silly little things, while I kept watching from the side of my eye the "man of my dreams"

At one point he's standing in front of me and "Sally" talking with some people. I sweetly look up and over at him. He looks right at me, smiles and waves kinda like. I panic and look away quickly, acting like I didn't see him. LOOK! I don't want to be that person who smiles and waves back thinking he's looking at me when he's actually looking at the hoochie momma hotty behind me!

Anyway, "Sally" leans over and says, "do you know that guy?..." I giggle and say "I wish I knew him..." Of course we giggle! Then she says, "I think he was smiling at you" I start laughing as I say, "REALLY? I thought he was smiling at someone else behind us?!" We both shrug our shoulders and continue to drink.

As the night progressed, I would spot him watching me while I watched him. I'd smile shyly and turn away to find someone to talk to, trying to pretend like I wasn't in fact having sex with him with my eyes. (I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME, OK? I'M SICK AND I NEED HELP!)

Then it happened people. He finally walked up to me. He looks down at me with a pleasant smile on his face, I look up at him. He softly says "Hi..." Once again, I slightly panic and say something stupid, "Hi...do I know you?" He gets this smirk on his face and smoothly says "Not yet, but I hope you will" I of course giggle because, as we all know, I'm a silly girl!!!!

We start talking. We talk about where he's from, where I'm from. What he does for a living, what I do, you know basic, general, non-sexual stuff. But, while we're talking about these simple things, he's standing very close, leaning down, talking very softly in my ear. His mouth would brush up against my ear every now and then, as though it were a secret just between the two of us. My hand is resting against the back of a chair and he takes his hand setting it up top of my hand. I'm thinking "Oh God, please! NOT THE HANDS!!!! You're killin me!"

Finally it was time to go. His friends walked over to get him, as did my friends. So now it's slightly awkward. Everyone's standing around, obviously watching us, but trying to act like they're not watching. I smile and say that It's time for me to go...he agrees that he should be going as well. I tell him "wait one second, don't leave yet..."

he smiles and says, "ok..." I run up to the bar and ask for a pen, I quickly come back and hand him a little piece of paper with my number on it

He looks down at the piece of paper smiling "Thank you, can I see that pen?" I smile and hand him the pen. I'm looking up at him, my mouth wide open in total shock and awe (I must have looked like a complete freak) as he writes down his number on the other end of the piece of paper, rips it off and hands it to me.

He says "It was very good to meet you" And like that, he was gone.

You know that warm feeling you get when you're standing close to someone you're attracted to. You don't know a thing about them but your whole body starts heating up inside and you can almost swear the other person can feel the heat permeating from your entire being? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. That's the feeling I experienced last night. Wow, that's a beautiful thing!

The Break Up Lettter

As we all know breaking up is a difficult thing to do. Inevitably someone is going to get hurt. If this is something that you are experiencing now or maybe some time in the future? Feel free to use this letter as a sort of "template" for your breakup, just change the names and genders accordingly.

*This is a dramatization template. The names used are not real and they should be changed - Thank you*

Dear Michael,

You said that your back was hurting. Does it still hurt? I hope not. Look, I just don't think that we are right for each other. It's not because you're ugly. I'm not that good looking either. I just think that we should see other people. Don't you ever just see other people and wonder what they are like? What it would be like to date them? I do, a lot.

I don't hate you. It's just hard for me to think of you as a boyfriend. I've been with only you for the past six months (I did kiss John once and meant to tell you) and that has seemed so long to me. I don't think it means that we can't ever be friends. I just don't want to see you for a while.

I'm also sorry that your Dad just died. I liked Gary even though we didn't ever really talk. You can't imagine how hard it must be for me to be dating a guy whose father just died. It's not easy. That's another good reason for us to break up. I'd just like to be with a guy who doesn't cry all the time and ask questions that make me feel uncomfortable. It's not you it's me.

We did have some good times and I'll always remember them. Like all the times that we spent talking about our wedding, and what it would be like. Our children's names, I think we came up with some good ones! Funny, huh? I mean since we are never going to be married or have kids together.

John is having a party next weekend, and I really want to go. I'm not sure if you were even invited, but it would be great if you didn't come. I don't want you or me to feel awkward. People might notice. I'm not going there for a guy or anything.

Oh yeah, that picture that you gave me of you and I at the beach in that nice frame? I don't really know what to do with it since we're not dating anymore. Do you want it back? I mean I still want the frame just not the picture.

So just to be sure that you understand, it's not you it's me, and I don't hate you. Do you understand? I hope so, because I remember that I have to repeat things a lot to you.

Anyways, have a wonderful day!

Just Friends,
Ellie

This one time...

Last night, I was out with friends having a few drinks as usual. Somehow, we got on the subject about our first time actually getting extremely drunk, HA go figure!

So anyway, I thought I'd share my experience as I think it's a bit disturbing and kinda funny, in that "Wow she's dumb" kinda way...

Back before I had ever had a long Island Ice Tea (now my drink of choice in moderation). I went to my favorite pub at the time and decided to try one of these infamous drinks. I started drinking the first one pretty fast. "Mmmmm wow these really do taste just like sweet tea!" I thought to myself, as I downed the last of the first delicious adult beverage.

Then came the second and the third and the fourth. I can't remember if I had a fifth or not. I leaned down to grab for my purse when all of a sudden it hit me BAM!!!! I was trashed! Not only was I trashed, I lost all feeling in my entire body.

Thankfully my good friend was with me and he offered to drive me home. On the way, I can remember holding on to the seat belt strap as I felt like I was going to fall right out of my seat. Then suddenly I had to puke! "STOP THE CAR!" I scream, as my friend jams on the breaks stopping the car right in front of this new development of housing.

I stumble out, falling to my knees on the freshly laid lawn. I'm holding on to the earth for dear life, as I hear something switch on not far from me. "SHIT!!!!" The sprinkler system kicked in hitting me square in the face!!! I start laughing as I try to jump back in the car, only to stumble over once again. My friend doesn't seem to think he needs to help me as he's laughing his ass off watching this all take place. Finally I get back in the car and we take off.

Making it home, I rush inside but I don't go to the bathroom, I instead charge for the kitchen sink. I turn the water on and stand there, taking in deep breaths over and over again. I suppose I was trying to gain my composure? I dunno? Ya know, I have no idea, I was drunk!

That's about all I remember from that night. The really disturbing part was, I woke up the next morning, naked, sprawled out on my bed, my cell phone in one hand, my tongue ring in the other (I had one once...so what? It was a phase, ok?!) I slowly get up, to find my clothes thrown all over the entire house.

To this day, I can't remember what happened after standing at the kitchen sink. I did however find a huge hand mark on my ass!

I'm Addicted

Hi, my name is RevRee and I'm addicted to my cell phone.

Being an addict, I sometimes look around and observe other people with cell phones. Seeing those beautiful, magnificent, shiny objects, big and small. So many different ring tones, so many functions! I think to myself "I wonder if they feel like I do? I wonder if they have this shaming secret addiction too?"

I remember when my addiction first started taking over. I was on my way to work one day, I was even running slightly late. Half way to work I realized I had forgotten my beloved cell phone at home. I quickly took the first exit ramp nearly causing an accident making my way back home to rescue my phone. (Yes, sadly I admit, I was late to work that day.)

I feel so naked and exposed without my love, my sweet cell phone. I panic when I hear that forever frightening beep as my battery runs low. "What do I do? I must find a charger!!! SHIT, I left my charger at home!! What if I miss an important call or text message???"

People, I'm here to tell you it's an evil web of Satan and It's taking over my very soul! I thought I could stop when I wanted. But when I feel that smooth vibration against my thigh, I can't help but tingle as I know I've just received another "important" text!

Since coming to grips with this very real and very serious "sickness", I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I've developed my own 8 steps to help me cope with this "Illness"

1. I admit I have become powerless over texting and my cell phone.

2. I've Come to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity with out constant text messages.

3. I Made a list of everyone I have hurt while using my cell, and I am willing to make amends to them all. (not via text message)

4. I can use a cell phone without falling in love with it.

5. If my basic cell phone needs are not being met, I can set it down and leave it at home.

6. I love myself more then I love my cell phone.

7. I look to my Higher Power for strength, guidance, and the willingness to overcome.

8. ...

Sorry, I just got a text, I'll have to finish this later!...