Tuesday, February 07, 2006

BE MY ANTI-VALENTINE

With just one week to go before that glorious day we love to call Valentine's Day, I wanted to express my thoughts on the whole matter. Including some tips on how to survive the damn day. A day that minutes seem like hours, and hours like days as we reflect depressingly on past romantic adventures, today's loneliness, and the unavoidable heartbreak that will repeatedly happen in the years to come.

When being single and holidays collide, it sucks. We're forced to find peace and comfort in self-pity and fatty foods. It's really sad that people are made to feel bad because they don't have a freakin' loved one in their life. Because I'm one of those people, I've come up with a few tips on how to endure this dreaded day.


#1: Avoid any place couples might be spotted.

#2: Go rent a movie that's full of violence, aggression and lots of swearing.

#3: If you feel like you need to laugh, go to Hallmark and watch desperate people try to pick out the perfect card.

#4: Go to the grocery store and watch people fight over the picked through remains of flowers hoping it will get them laid.

#5: Prank call all your friends who are in relationships.

#6: Take a hot bubble bath, light some candles and love yourself.

#7: Close all the blinds, turn off all the lights, take some NyQuil and go to bed.

#8: Get trashed, make out with the bartender, call a cab and go home at 4am.

#9: Go home and destroy at least one item given to you by an ex. (yes, admit it! We all have something from them STILL)

#10: Call said ex and make up some story about having a hot date and lots of sex.


There you have it ladies and gentleman! You may be all alone and have no "love" in your life. But, be proud, hold your head up high, wear lots of black and remember there's always sweet, sweet alcohol and frozen Snickers bars!

9 Comments:

Blogger TheIdleReceptionist said...

Don't worry. I'm involved and I don't even like Valentines.

I'm still bitter from being single every effing V-Day during High School.

Tue Feb 07, 01:36:00 PM  
Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

#11: Hire a prostitute.

Tue Feb 07, 06:54:00 PM  
Anonymous Valentwined said...

#12: Break up a couple and then proceed to sleep with them. (Both at the same time, if that's your cup of joe.)

Tue Feb 07, 10:50:00 PM  
Blogger thebillofbrothers said...

#5 - LOL!

Tell them about their special someone's OTHER special someone and then say "Just kidding, god. Settle down!"

Wed Feb 08, 09:21:00 AM  
Blogger RevRee said...

Dyckerson you never pay me...

Wed Feb 08, 11:50:00 AM  
Blogger blog Portland said...

#13 - Eat the fattiest, greasiest thing you can find and spend the night amongst your own emissions.

Wed Feb 08, 05:09:00 PM  
Blogger Chief Scientist said...

When you say love yourself during the bath, is this something we can watch on camera? I'd totally send flowers for that.

Thu Feb 09, 05:59:00 PM  
Blogger Ryan said...

I opt to go online into random chat rooms and wave my embarassing genitalia on cam for women and indian menw ith very low expectations

Fri Feb 10, 11:44:00 AM  
Blogger Jodi said...

I love this list.

To be honest I don't understand VDay. Cards that will inevitably end up in the trash, flowers that will die and also get tossed in the can, or candy, which will make my ass expand. Fantastic! The gesture is always appreciated though.

When in a relationship, I buy porn. It's a gift that keeps on giving.

Wed Feb 15, 07:11:00 PM  

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