Monday, January 30, 2006

Blowin' up the Phone Lines

"Psycho male blowin' up the phone line, ya need to tighten that screw it's been loose for a long time"~Limp Bizkit

About a year ago, I got a early 5am phone call. I of course am sleeping. I let it ring, I don't answer. I let is ring again, I dont' answer. 5 minutes later the phone rings again and again I don't answer (Look, I'm not answering a blocked number at 5am, you gotta be kidding me! Leave a voice message!) 2 minutes later it rings AGAIN!!!

I sit up, cursing under my breath as I answer "Hello???"
The guy on the other end of the phone says "Hello, Is Miss RevRee there?" I say "This is RevRee..." Voice: "Umm this is Walter Thick, Levi Thick's twin brother. I'm calling this morning because *cough* *sniff* this is really hard... Because Levi passed away last week..."

(First of all, this is a true story. I've obviously changed the names of everyone involved to keep me from being sued. So, please follow along. Levi Thick is playing the part of my ex boyfriend, RevRee is of course me and Walter Thick is the supposed twin brother of Levi. Now, Back to the phone conversation.)

RevRee: "I'm sorry who are you again?..."

Walter the supposed twin: "I'm Walter Thick, Levi Thick's twin brother...and I..."

RevRee: "Wait a second, Levi doesn't have a twin brother...and you sound an awful lot like Levi mister..."

Walter the supposed twin: "I'm Walter Thick, Levi's twin brother. I'm calling because as I'm sure you know Levi had quite a big life insurance policy. Your name is mentioned on his will and policy as one of the beneficiaries."

RevRee: "Uh...huh...

Walter the supposed twin: "I'm calling to get some info from you so we can fulfill Levi's wishes after his passing..."

RevRee: "will you please hold on one second?..."

(I set the phone down and burst in to laughter) BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

RevRee: "...Sorry about what were you saying?..."

Walter the supposed twin: "Yes, I just need a little bit of info from you, such as your SS#, date of birth, address and phone number. Then I can cut you a check..."

RevRee: "You really sound a lot like Levi and HE doesn't have a twin brother! How did he "die" anyway?..."

Walter the supposed twin: " He was in Ireland, there was an accident...a skiing accident. No ma'am I am Walter, Levi's twin I assure you. I just need your info so I can finish this business..."

RevRee: "Look, I don't believe a damn word you're telling me!!! I don't believe Levi's freakin' dead, YOU'RE LEVI!!!!..."

Walter the supposed twin: "You're telling me you don't want the money?..."

RevRee: "I'm telling you I don't want a damn thing! There IS no money and even if there was any money, I wouldn't want it, LEVI!. DO NOT CALL ME!"

Walter the supposed twin: "You don't want $25,000?"

RevRee: "NOOOOOO! Do not call this number again!"


I hung up. At this point, I of course was a bit shaken. I call a friend of mine who happenens to be a Private Investigator. We'll call him "Magnum". I tell "Magnum" what had just taken place. He asks me a few questions about the psycho ex boyfriend. He tells me not to worry, he'll do some investigating and call me back shortly.

About an hour later I get a phone call from "Magnum", he tells me he just found Levi's unlisted number and that he's going to give him a call to see what he can find. A half hour passes, finally "Magnum" calls me once again. He told me he rang Levi's unlisted number and guess who answers! Ding, ding, ding YES, LEVI! The phone conversation went something like this...

Levi: Hello?

Magnum: Is Levi Thick there?

Levi: I'm Levi Thick, is there something I can help you with?

Magnum: "YOU'RE Levi Thick?..."

Levi: "Yes sir, how can I help you?"

Magnum: My name is Magnum Shaft, I'm a Private investigator. A close friend and client of mine just got a call from your twin brother Walter informing her that you had just died"

Levi: My twin brother? I don't have a twin brother and I'm very much alive..."

Magnum: So you're Levi Thick and you're not dead?"

Levi: ha ha ha, yes I'm Levi Thick and I've been alive since 1973!"

Magnum: "Well, this all sounds very suspicious. Since my good friend is involved and there's a supposed life insurance policy issue, I'm going to have to investigate this further. I've got your address and phone number, you'll be hearing from me again very soon. Thank you for your time"


Funny, I've never heard from Levi since...

The story you've just read is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the guilty


Blogger Little Lamb said...

You did the right thing. If that happened to me I would need PROOF that what they said was legit. I can only think of one thing. IDENTITY THEFT.

Mon Jan 30, 07:58:00 AM  
Blogger thebillofbrothers said...

At 5am (an hour before coffee o'clock) I probably would have jumped at $25k like a crack whore.

Mon Jan 30, 08:42:00 AM  
Blogger TheIdleReceptionist said...

Wow...that ranks up there with shitties ex-boyfriend shenanigans of all time...

Trying to steal your identity? Sweet God.

I had an ex that busted a tire but lay out in front of the car to make it look worse as a stunt to get me to come outside. Only other people saw and an ambulance was called.

It was also really funny when a nurse from the hospital called my dad's house at 3AM as "Your daughter's fiance is in the hospital."

"No," my dad said, "my daughter's ex-boyfriend."

"OOoooohhhh.....I see," said the nurse with a knowing tone, "He's been very emotional."

I called back to let them know he was on Paxil. Which he was.

You know, wouldn't want the meds to clash.

Mon Jan 30, 09:00:00 AM  
Blogger Ryan said...

Wow. What a loon! Anytime I make psychotic middle of the night calls to women I at least change my accent. Dope!

I like the pseudonyms you used. it sounds like you hang out with Porn Stars.

Mon Jan 30, 09:18:00 AM  
Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

Sounds like Mr. Thick got the Shaft.

Mon Jan 30, 09:45:00 AM  
Blogger Chief Scientist said...

I'm Hank's twin brother, John. Hank died and left you something too - tons and tons of sex with me.

Tue Jan 31, 06:19:00 AM  
Blogger RainStorm1212 said...

Thanks for the comment, Rev! :-)
You did do the right thing. Never, never give out your personal information on the telephone. There are so many scams today, you don't know who is who. Lambie, is right!!!

Tue Jan 31, 02:28:00 PM  
Blogger blog Portland said...

You have a Private Investigator friend? That's awesome.

I don't have any friends like that who have cool powers, unless you count the guy who is good at swinging around glowsticks. *sigh*

Tue Jan 31, 02:52:00 PM  
Anonymous Too! said...

"In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that He did not also limit his stupidity."--Konrad Adenauer

Fri Feb 03, 09:58:00 AM  
Blogger Forty_Two said...

I'll take supposedly dead psychos for $200 please?

Fri Feb 03, 05:15:00 PM  

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