Imagine all the People...

Once again folks, I've been doing some thinking. I also recently had this conversation (pillow talk) with my "pseudo" boyfriend.

The topic of this particular conversation was,

"When looking at a someone, do you visualize what sex might be like with that person?"

Whether you were attracted to that person or not, do you ever think about what it would be like?

After much discussion and thought, we both came to the same conclusion to this answer and that was YES.

Now, with that being said, I've taken it upon myself to make a list of 5 male bloggers and give you my imaginative view of what I feel it would be like to have a night of passion with each of these gentlemen

Please remember, this is only for posterity sake. Alright, let's get started shall we?...

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Assclownopolis (tfg)

For some reason, I have a feeling the sex with this guy would be pretty much on the kinky side. Seriously, have you read his blog? The guy has Betty Boop and Winnie the Pooh bed sheets. I imagine the sex would be an experience all in itself. Maybe a little educational, freaky....OK not just freaky, but a LOT freaky and really, pretty perverted actually...

SO... I picture sex with tfg would entail one of those pools filled with plastic balls in his bedroom, some greased up latex swimsuits for each of us to wear and a case of silly string... I'm pretty sure you can find these types of acts on the internets...

Cherry Ride

First of all, I have to say, he's gay and he's HOT! (Not, that there's anything wrong with that. Being gay I mean...)... ANYWAY, I personally believe I do have the power to turn Cherry straight, if even for just one night of passion.

The sex would be a session of "ride em cowboy"…This is where Cherry would wear a cowboy hat and nothing else and I'd be wearing a summer dress, slightly torn at the shoulder. All of this would take place in a barn, on the hay, during a very hot summers day. And we would act out a scene in one of those romance novels... or those erotic movies on Cinemax...

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

Ahhh yes the Dr. ladies and gentleman. Let's see, sex with the Dr... first of all, there would be Pink Floyd playing on an eight track in the background. The room would be lit with colored Christmas lights from ceiling to floor. The only other thing in this room would be a bed covered in all white.

Then comes the fun part. The Dr would walk in barefoot, wearing scrubs and struttin' his stuff to the smooth sounds of Pink Floyd. He would then proceed to strip for me. I of course would have a roll of $1's in my hand...

Mighty Dyckerson

While wearing his nicest clown suit, I'd grudge fuck the hell out of him, and leave cab fare on the dresser.

This too would be like one of those erotic movies on Cinemax...

...Ok maybe not this one...Moving on...


Puerileuwaite

Folks, Mr. Puerileuwaite is a bit of a mystery to me. I believe my entire sexual experience with him would be done while I'm blindfolded and I'd have no idea what was happening. It would be slightly frightening, a little edgy and kinda erotic all at the same time.

He would only speak to me in a whisper, using only lines from movies and sometimes he would say them in different languages, like Russian or Chinese or Klingon... I don't think this one would be on Cinemax either...the internets for sure!...
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Well, there you have it dear friends. I should have warned some of you long ago, once you get in to my mind, there's no going back, baby.

It's a pretty wild and crazy place, my mind... I'm sure glad I could share these thought with you guys though, and not be judged for them...

Hey Buddy, Forward THIS!

First of all folks, I want you all to know that I hate email forwards. Actually, I loath them with ever fiber of my being.

I have some friends back home who don't take the time to email me, but they do take the time to send me really stupid forwards. I'm to sweet and nice to simply put them on ignore or ask them to stop with the damn forwards. Instead, I suck it up, smile and allow this to continue.

Every once and a while, before I send these forwards to deletion hell, I take a peek to see what I may be missing...

Well, recently, one of my good friends sent me the following. I'm sure it's been making its way around cyber space for quite some time, but nevertheless I thought it was funny. So, here I am, going against all I believe in cyber etiquette and posting a forward for your reading pleasure...enjoy!
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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone. Don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Walter Jones . Could I please speak with Jack Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right fuckin number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude! When I tracked down Jacks correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with Jack, I decided to call the "wrong" number again. When the same dude answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,"You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole!" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale " sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I call and ask, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?",I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Riverwalk Blvd ,. It's a yellow house,and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two asshole to call. Then I came up with an idea...

I called Asshole#1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Riverwalk Blvd , a yellow house,with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your fuckin' ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Riverwalk Blvd , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Riverwalk Blvd.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Riverwalk. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.

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Sheer Genius folks! Why couldn't I have thought of such a clever thing. I'd never be bored again!

Please remember, send this to 10 people and you'll meet your true love in 24 hours. Plus, you'll win the lottery, become a star overnight, your criminal record will be cleared and you will, you will always have amazing sex and live a long good life with your wife/husband and many children.

If you decide NOT to send this to at least 10 people, your luck will fall to a forever low. You'll catch your lover cheating on you. You'll lose your job, home and car. Your sex drive will be shot, you'll become sterile, and your legacy will die.

As some of you know, I went back home last week for a few days. It was a much needed trip and I honestly do feel rejuvenated after such a good time with family and friends.

My trip however didn't get started on such a good note...

It all started Thursday morning. I asked the night before that my "pseudo" boyfriend give me a wake up call in the morning before he went to work, to make sure that I was up and ready to go. He gave me my wake up call as promised (He's such a good man) I was already up and almost ready to head out the door. Everything was going right on schedule...

Previously the night before, I printed out simple directions to the airport. Well, so I thought they were simple. The fact is, they weren't simple at all. I felt like a lab rat in a maze and I got completely lost.

As I'm speeding down the highway, I reach over and pick up the paper with my flight itinerary and it said my outbound flight left at 8:55AM...not 9:55AM...FUCK!!! It's 8:50AM right now!!!!!

I knew I was totally screwed. (not screwed in that oh so good screwed way either...) What makes this even better was, I didn't have the phone number to the airline. Not one place on my flight itinerary was there a damn phone number.

Now folks, I'm a pretty calm person, I don't lose my cool very often, but I just couldn't help myself. I started shouting "FUCK!" over and over again as I tried to think of what I was going to do. First I had to find the damn airport and I was completely lost in this god-forsaken city!!! FINALLY I find a gas station, I pull over and get directions to the stupid airport.

I did soon find it after some simple directions from the "shim" at the gas station. I get inside and I did in fact miss my flight. SHIT!!!!!

Ha ha ha, yeah yeah! The jokes on me! Laugh it up guys...Whatever!

Anyway, the airline was gracious enough to get me on the next flight out with no charge, I thought that was pretty cool. The only thing was, it didn't leave for another 3 hours!

I checked my bag and headed to my gate for a long ass wait. THANK GOD! I had my new iPod with me., I honestly believe it saved what sanity I had left.

3 hours pass and soon it's my turn to board the flight. Everything went like clock work and I was finally on my way back home!

After a very short, really bumpy plane ride home, where I saw my life flash before my eyes. We finally land safely. As I make my way to the baggage claim area, I recognize several of my single serving friends who were on the same flight as me. I stand along side the big rotating thingy where the luggage comes out, excited to see my big red bag...

I'm standing at the baggage claim, waiting patiently, I turn to the guy next to me and say in a joking manner "man, I sure hope my luggage didn't get lost...ha ha ha..." I think the guy thought I was on drugs or he was an illegal alien, cuz he just looked at me like I was stupid. Yeah, I think he was a damn illegal. That would be the only reason he didn't attempt to hit on me or at least laugh.

ANYWAY, slowly one by one, the single serving friends from my flight faded and were gone. But little ole RevRee was still standing there looking like a lost little girl, waiting for her mom to pick her but, but forgot her and never showed up.... *cough* sorry got off track for a moment.

All of a sudden, another flight full of luggage comes pouring out of the bagging thing. I'm thinking to myself, because I'm stupid "huh, that's strange...maybe my bag will come out this time..."

NOT! My bag didn't come out! By this time, I'm starting to think there might be a slight problem...

I quickly make my way to the baggage claim office hoping to talk to someone with a heat. Well, I didn't get someone with a heart, actually I don't think this woman even had a soul! She was emotionless, cold blooded, hollow eyes with a heart of pure stone.

I tell the woman, my bag didn't come out of the machine, she just looked at me. No expression, no words, nothing. Just a cold stair. The look in her eyes, made me want to run and scream with horror saying " Never mind, my mistake, I didn't lose my bag!!! Sorry to have disturbed you!" But, I remained calm and waited for her response.

She asked me in a very shallow, chilling voice to describe my bag. As I did so, she cut me off by getting on her little walkie talkie, asking the guys down at the plane if they had seen the suitcase. They quickly responded with a "NO MA'AM"

She begins to tell me in a very scripted tone, "Your bag is lost. When and IF we find it, we can FedX it to you. But there's no guarantee that we will find it. IF we do find it, it will take up to 5 business days for it to get to you."

I look at her, tears slowly starting to well up in my big green eyes, my lower lip starts to quiver (not because I'm a cry baby, but because when I get pissed off, I tend to cry. I can't help it alright!!! My throat locks and I can't seem to speak and I get tears...shudup!)

So, I say "But...but I have nothing to wear

The old hag continues "Ma'am, we can reimburse you $50 if you chose to purchase clothing in this state.

I say "What am I going to buy with $50? I shirt? maybe some socks?!!!"

Old hag, "There's really nothing else we can do at this time. I'm sorry."

I say in a very pissed off, teeth locked together, "I'mmmmm goooooingggg toooo make a quick PHONE call, excuse me for a moment..."

I dial my momma's number, she answers "Helloooo" I start balling... "MOM!!!!! MY BAG IS LOST! I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR THEY CAN'T FIND MY BAGGGGGGGG"

Now, grant you, this is a busy airport, and I'm completely freaking out. I start pacing around the baggage machine. People are looking at me, I'm ranting and raving to my poor mother who's trying to console me.

All of a sudden, after 5 flights, this lone big red bag comes flying out of the baggage machine. I see it out of the corner of my eye and slowly make my way to it's location. My mother is still on the line, telling me everything will be alright. I softly say, "umm...mom, ummm it umm looks like my bag just arrived..."

Apparently, my bag had a nice little trip around the US before making it's way back to me.

Yeah, So what? I might have overreacted a little... Bite me!

ATTENTION:

A new,very adventurous post coming soon! Please stay tuned.

In the meantime, please enjoy a picture of me smoking a cigar...

Word to the wise

Recently, my parents came for a surprise visit a few days ago. Which is awesome and I really loved seeing them. They're amazing people, married for over 37 years and I admire them greatly.

I just have a few wise suggestions if your parental units deciede to one day surprise you with their presence.

#1 When your parents come for a surprise visit, make sure all your "bad" movies are put away.

#2. When your mom asks to use your computer seriously make sure you get every single "item" that would offend her (everything) off and erase your search history and favorites. Really, it's for the best...

#3. Make sure your bedroom door is closed when your "pseudo" boyfriend gives you a late night call after every one has gone to sleep.

#4. If your mother is a Naturopathic Dr., don't plan on getting her out of the Health Food Superstore Haven anytime within the next 3 hours. Actually, you might as well leaver her there for the rest of the night.

#5 Have a bottle of Lysol ready in the bathroom after your dad uses it.

#6 Make sure the handcuffs you got for Christmas are also put away... as well as the glow in the dark... *cough* nevermind...

ANYWAY, If you follow these simple guidelines, you should have a very pleasant, enjoyable visit with your loving parents.