Monday, April 23, 2007

Hey Buddy, Forward THIS!

First of all folks, I want you all to know that I hate email forwards. Actually, I loath them with ever fiber of my being.

I have some friends back home who don't take the time to email me, but they do take the time to send me really stupid forwards. I'm to sweet and nice to simply put them on ignore or ask them to stop with the damn forwards. Instead, I suck it up, smile and allow this to continue.

Every once and a while, before I send these forwards to deletion hell, I take a peek to see what I may be missing...

Well, recently, one of my good friends sent me the following. I'm sure it's been making its way around cyber space for quite some time, but nevertheless I thought it was funny. So, here I am, going against all I believe in cyber etiquette and posting a forward for your reading pleasure...enjoy!


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone. Don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Walter Jones . Could I please speak with Jack Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right fuckin number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude! When I tracked down Jacks correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with Jack, I decided to call the "wrong" number again. When the same dude answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,"You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole!" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale " sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I call and ask, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?",I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Riverwalk Blvd ,. It's a yellow house,and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two asshole to call. Then I came up with an idea...
I called Asshole#1.


"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Riverwalk Blvd , a yellow house,with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your fuckin' ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Riverwalk Blvd , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Riverwalk Blvd.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Riverwalk. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.

Sheer Genius folks! Why couldn't I have thought of such a clever thing. I'd never be bored again!

Please remember, send this to 10 people and you'll meet your true love in 24 hours. Plus, you'll win the lottery, become a star overnight, your criminal record will be cleared and you will, you will always have amazing sex and live a long good life with your wife/husband and many children.

If you decide NOT to send this to at least 10 people, your luck will fall to a forever low. You'll catch your lover cheating on you. You'll lose your job, home and car. Your sex drive will be shot, you'll become sterile, and your legacy will die.


Blogger tfg said...

So, is that why my penis fell off?

Sun Apr 22, 09:39:00 PM  
Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

You're an asshole.

Sun Apr 22, 11:12:00 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

And yet, not ONE call to me for phone sex.

Mon Apr 23, 08:24:00 PM  
Anonymous Jason(yeah that one) said...

Sounds like you. Pretty funny prank,like a therapist call him when your angry. By the way I hope you are doing well.



Tue Apr 24, 05:23:00 PM  
Blogger NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I have enough assholes in my life to introduce new ones at random, but that does sound like a good time . . .

Wed Apr 25, 02:33:00 AM  
Blogger Scary Monster said...

Now Me knows why me can't get laid.

Wed Apr 25, 08:04:00 PM  
Blogger ADW said...


That is one of the best ideas ever!!!

I am so stealing it.

Thu Apr 26, 09:35:00 AM  

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