Saturday, September 02, 2006

Kiss & Tell

Do you ever think back to all the different types of kisses you've experienced throughout your life? I was talking the other day with some of my friends and we all had great stories to share about kissing.

I've decided to put together a little guide to try and describe all the different types of kisses that some of you might experience or have already experienced in life. Some are good, some are bad, some are amazing some are horrible.

As you read this, you might find that you've kissed like one of these descriptions, or had someone bless you with their expert kissing skills. I read once that "The language of a kiss is communication without words"

With that said, not all these kisses have I personally experienced. (If you're someone I've made out with and you're reading this, relax it's all good) I've taken some notes from friends and come up with a pretty good mix of kissing methods/styles for everyone to enjoy.


The Big Gulp Kisser:
This type of kisser has no regard for the other participant in the art of kissing. The kisser loses all control of their saliva glands and they just let the "water" flow... It really isn't a pleasant sight or experience. I've been told that some have even gagged and almost drowned when this type of kissing occurs.

I Just Died in your Arms Tonight Kisser:
Usually this kisser takes their time (maybe too much time) kissing very, very, very gently across the corners of your mouth. They eventually move to the upper lip, then the lower. Never really giving one spot total attention but continues to kiss all over, over and over again. This could cause a kissing trance and you may find yourself drifting off. This kissing style can be very effective if you use this technique to tease your partner and every now and then try to concentrate on one area.

Take a Bite out of Crime Kiss:
This type of kiss has to be done very carefully. While kissing, the kisser "gently" bite the lower lip, but be VERY gentle not to hurt your partner. If not done correctly there could be blood involved. (some of you might be in to that kinda thing. If that's the case, then you might find the slight blood to be a total turn on...SICKO!) This kiss, I have to admit is one of my favorites (w/out the blood) I've also been known to be this kisser... (you've been warned). Word to the wise though, this should only be done with someone that you've kissed a few times before, otherwise you may shock your partner.

You need a Good Tongue Lashing Kisser:
This kisser may appear as though they're high on crack. The tongue is fast, furious, their darting and/or a high-speed swirling motions, might remind you of a washing machine on the rinse cycle. You might even experience a severe tongue lashing to the face if you're not careful with this kisser. They usually don't just stop at the mouth, which if you're in to that sort of thing can't be so bad...

A little Dab Will Do Ya Kisser:
This technique is done souly with the tip of the tongue. The kisser has somehow mastered the concept of not touching any part of the other persons body at all. Nothing else is used, but simply the tip of the tongue. Not the mouth, no hand movement, not even the base of the tongue is used. The body is stiff and maybe even slightly awkward It's a very cold and mechanical technique. It leaves the one being kissed feeling unfulfilled and empty. Not one I would suggest for anyone.

Sign, Sealed, Delivered Kisser:
This kisser has mastered the whole idea of kissing. They usually start out very slow, kissing your entire mouth. Then moving to the lower lip, sucking it gently into their own mouth. Then they switch things up a bit and move their head slightly to the side, kissing the edge of your mouth. Then back to your whole mouth for a passionate kiss, with an added pleasant surprise of the very tip of their tongue knocking at your mouths door. They use their entire body for their kisses. Their hands are softly on your face caressing or holding, everything seems to be in tune with what is needed next.

I want to Fuck you like an Animal Kisser:
The kisser is super horny, and has no control over their hormones or their mouth. They're a bit too excited and for some reason they're really in a rush. They just dive right in, whether the other person is ready or not. They start out shoving their whole tongue right down your throat, opening their mouth wide and going for the kill. This can be unpleasant and slightly annoying as the kisser isn't taking the time to enjoy any aspects of the art of kissing. SOME times, this can be fun, IF done with timing and an assessment of the situation and surroundings at hand.

Boombastic Kisser:
This kisser first start out gently licking your lips with the tip of their tongue. Then softly blowing or sighing into your mouth, causing a tingling feeling that will seriously intensify the kissing experience. Then they slide their tongue across the edges of the other's mouth. Which will create almost an unbearable amount of chills down your spine. They will then sometimes start saying sweet things as their lips brush ever so softly against your mouth.


I hope my little guide will help you figure out what works for your kissing technique and style. I also hope that we've all learned what not to do when it comes to kissing.

Just remember, it all comes down to knowing what your kissing partner needs, wants, likes and dislikes. Always try to get to know them, take it slow, but not too slow!

Oh yeah, if you don't have anyone to kiss, peaches, kiwis, bananas and plums work for practice... not that I know or anything, I've just heard they're good for practice......

ANYWAY, good luck!

*yes, those are my lips in the photo above*


Blogger puerileuwaite said...

I think the best kisses are NOT communicable. Oh, and MY favorites are the ones on my tushie. The best kissers realize that there's TWO sets of cheeks to work with.

Sat Sep 02, 04:15:00 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

There's certainly a real art to kissing someone. Just as you've said, it's so important to know their likes, dislikes etc.

There are kisses that make you want to shove the other person away and shudder, and then those that you practically sink into, all weak kneed and wobbly and you can't get enough of them. Obviously the latter is better than the former for both parties lol

Love the 'roundup' you put up here :)

Sat Sep 02, 04:29:00 PM  
Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

You forgot to mention a couple:

The "I've-Been-Smoking-All-Night-and-Have-A-Stinky-White-Film-On-My-Tongue-Kiss,"

and the ever-popular:


(When making out with Gene Simmons, the last one becomes:)

the "Kiss-My-Ass-KISS-Kiss."

Sat Sep 02, 04:33:00 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

I didn't realize there was so much work involved. That's it. I'm gonna have to start spending more time in the produce department like the Clown does.

Sat Sep 02, 04:42:00 PM  
Blogger RevRee said...

puerileuwaite: Remember peaches, kiwis, bananas and plums work best....

Lisa: I love those kisses that leave me weak kneed and wobbly!

Crash: I think a KISS kiss would suffocate me... Wait, what am I saying...

Sat Sep 02, 05:13:00 PM  
Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

How 'bout the leave-the-heels-on-kiss, you know the one when the anticipation is killing you as to whether or not she leaves them on--

then you hear those panties slide over those pumps & grrrrrrrrowl!

Free lunch.

Sat Sep 02, 05:21:00 PM  
Blogger RevRee said...

Someone could get seriously hurt, when heels are in the picture...

Sat Sep 02, 05:30:00 PM  
Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

A little pain never hurts...

Sounds like you know an awful lot about heels.

Sat Sep 02, 05:34:00 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Kissing a banana is SO gay. The Clown may be into that, but not me. On the other hand, peaches evoke a creepy pedophile vibe, so no thanks. Give me a big juicy plum anytime. Oh crap! Here comes the Security and Produce Guys. Act like you're shopping ... act like you're shopping ... oh no! I stopped right in front of the tuna display! How suspicious does THAT look?

Sat Sep 02, 05:36:00 PM  
Blogger RevRee said...


Ok, now that I'm disturbed and slightly turned on, I gotta go do a newscast!

I'll be back to check on you later!

Sat Sep 02, 05:37:00 PM  
Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

Newscast??? In heels?

Sat Sep 02, 05:39:00 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Maybe she'll mention us.

Sat Sep 02, 05:51:00 PM  
Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

Can I watch her on tv?
Is she a newscaster?
Dude, maybe she's really Dan Rather.

Sat Sep 02, 05:54:00 PM  
Blogger SwanShadow said...

Peaches are only good practice fruits if you're planning on kissing someone with fuzzy lips.

Which, if you are, you might reconsider.

I'm just saying, is all.

Sat Sep 02, 05:58:00 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Exactly, swanshadow. You can't win with peaches. You're either a pedophile, or you're making out with your Grandmother. Something i'd rather not do. Anymore.

I'm staying with plums. Or better yet, a shaved cantaloupe, since it better approxiates the human head.

Crash, too bad we're not in England. There, they have at least one channel that does stripper newscasts.

Sat Sep 02, 06:04:00 PM  
Blogger RevRee said...

And I'm back...

I said peaches because if you're male or a lesbo, it might seem like a certain sweet part... thats all...

But Shadow, you're right it's not really for practicing kissing the mouth...

Sat Sep 02, 07:20:00 PM  
Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

I posted a few pics on my blog, for your viewing pleasure.

Sat Sep 02, 07:28:00 PM  
Blogger RevRee said...

So I noticed, whats your hands look like?

Sat Sep 02, 07:30:00 PM  
Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

My hands? Why?

Sat Sep 02, 07:55:00 PM  
Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

My hands--?

My hands are strong, they've held a hammer in the past, but much prefer a microphone...

My hands are tender, firm; they'll find your high heels in the middle of the night and know what to do with a pair of ankles...

My hands are big, like the rest of me, outstretched fingers raised towards the sun--

My hands have never been clenched in a raised fist against another human (or animal;) they're kind but powerful.

My left hand has a white gold ring on on the 3rd finger.

Sat Sep 02, 08:47:00 PM  
Blogger RevRee said...


Sat Sep 02, 08:51:00 PM  
Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

Yeah, sorry.

And I deeply love her--I love her madly.

You and I could never be. It breaks my heart that my big thick hands & your high heels are the stuff of internet legend--

but in reality, I'm just a dude with a wife I don't deserve, a wife who ran out in a hurricane today just to get a roast beef to cook for our friends 'cuz we couldn't have a bbq;

a woman who gave me everything a woman could give a man; a woman who cried when she adopted our little dog b'cuz she couldn't bear the heartbreak of the ASPCA; a woman who, in all the intimacies I've ever known, is the only one who smells and tastes and looks and feels like home.

but she won't leave the heels on.

Sat Sep 02, 09:07:00 PM  
Blogger RevRee said...

Hahaahahah awwww it's all so beautiful....I wanna puke!

Really, she sounds wonderful!

Thanks for sapping up my blog comments with this crap!

Sat Sep 02, 09:10:00 PM  
Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

Are you yelling at me with the heels on?

Sat Sep 02, 09:17:00 PM  
Blogger RevRee said...

Dirty Old man! Perv!

Sat Sep 02, 09:19:00 PM  
Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

dirty young man perv.

Sat Sep 02, 09:34:00 PM  
Blogger RevRee said...

Time for another newscast! Wooooo

Sat Sep 02, 09:40:00 PM  
Blogger Crashtest Comic said...


Sat Sep 02, 09:44:00 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Is a big part of your audience made up of people you have made out with?

Just wondering...

Sat Sep 02, 10:10:00 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Crash, you didn't have to tell her. You could've recovered from the "ring on the third finger of your left hand" faux paux by adding a comment that you're missing the index finger on that hand. The keeping track of digits and required counting would've totally thrown Rev off.

By the time she figures out the scam, you've scored and departed for points unknown.

Then again Rev, do you REALLY want an indecisive ankle grabber anyway? Make up your mind, Comic. Are you grabbing her ankles (and what does THAT do, anyway ... I've never read anything about ankle grabbing in "Letters to Penthouse") or are you reaching for the Sun (and WTF does that gesture mean? The last time I saw schmucks "reaching for the Sun" was in that Godawful "Godspell" Jesus Crist Superstar musical ripoff)?

I mean, really.

Sat Sep 02, 11:16:00 PM  
Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

Honesty is such a lonely word, PU.
Everyone is so untrue.
You know what..honesty is hardly everyheard, but it's mostly what I need from PU.

Sun Sep 03, 06:02:00 AM  
Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

Pureilweiawoaite, you need to stop obsessing over me. Besides, I've moved on from the produce section. Now I'm into the meats. You haven't lived til you've kissed a flank steak.

My favorite kiss is the Projectile Kiss. This is an open mouthed affair in which the participants take turns vomiting into each other's mouths and guessing what they had for breakfast.

Sun Sep 03, 06:32:00 AM  
Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

Hey Dyck--

When clowns bang do they leave the big clown shoes on? I've always wondered...?

Sun Sep 03, 08:04:00 AM  
Blogger Lingo Slinger said...

oooh this makes me want a kiss! i just wrote about a kiss as well actually! a tongue-ring kiss. thanks for leasing the loft this week!

Sun Sep 03, 12:12:00 PM  
Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

Comic - Of course not. That's where we stash our prophylactics.

Sun Sep 03, 07:37:00 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home