Wednesday, December 21, 2005

The Birds & Bees 101

At one point in my life, I was living with 3 other chicks, one of them was engaged. She was a virgin, as was he. They wanted to wait until after marriage before doing the cha-cha. I don't have a problem with that at all. If two people want to wait to experience something so wonderful until after getting married, that’s cool.

Anyway, one day my roommate, we'll call her "Susie Q", she comes up to me all excited wanting to show me a new book she got at the bookstore for the both of them. It was about "what happens on your wedding night" to make this story even better, it was a pop-up book!

"Susie Q" starts talking to me about said book. She says she didn't understand some of the things in the book it's telling her to do. OH LORD, were my thoughts...I say "Ok, I can try and answer some of the questions for you, if you'd like?" She answers in her shy voice "yes please". She says, "in the book it's saying that I might be really tight and that I may need to stimulate certain areas to try and loosen up some.." She goes on "What does that mean???"

I'm a bit shocked at this point. I'm thinking " What the hell have you two been doing in the bed room with the door shut all those nights, if you haven't been "stimulating" certain areas???" My second thought "Do you masturbate??? Have you ever???, comon don't lie!" I look over at her, give her a sweet smile and say "Susie Q, honey, have you thought about having him help you?" She says "WHAT?? what do you mean??" (Folks, this is a 25 year old women...she had no idea what I was saying)

It took everything in me not to start laughing! Not because I wanted to make fun of her, but because she honestly just didn't understand. I took a deep breath and said "ummm you know, use his fingers or even his mouth, maybe" "Susie Q" says to me "oh wow... WOW, I never thought about that" I was so close to saying "when you guys are making out WHAT on earth are you doing???"

You mean to tell me, the whole time these two people have been seriously dating and making out, that they haven't even TOUCHED certain areas??? Is she wearing a chastity belt or what?? And what does this say about said guy she's going to marry? If he hasn't already been down there, he probably doesn't know what to do either!!

I don't have a problem if people want to wait to have sex until marriage, that's just fine! I'll support it. But, to not know a single thing about each others
sexuality, that’s messed up!

I imagine their sex life after marriage isn’t very enjoyable. But then again, THANK GOD I don't think about it. They probably make sex appointments once a month "is December 31st good for you?" or they only have sex on Saturday nights with the lights out and the blinds closed! They probably sleep in separate beds and push them together once a week!

In all seriousness people, sex is supposed to be enjoyable. You're supposed to learn about the other person and what they need and want. It shouldn't be something not talked about and taboo in a relationship, it should be talked about and often.

But, then once again, "Susie Q" has a man, I don't...who's the loser?


Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

Tell Suzie Q to come over to my place this evening. I'll be happy to give her a few pointers!!!

(The "cha-cha"?)

Wed Dec 21, 02:20:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I bet you will, Dyck.

Rev, you have been tagged. LOL
Sorry about that....
BTW, you have a good voice. It reminds me of early Jazz.

Wed Dec 21, 03:10:00 PM  
Blogger RevRee said...

Rain, thank you so much! I about died laughing my ass off when I heard myself!

I'm waiting for Dyck to request another song, the bastard wasn't a fan of my last little tune...

Also, Dyck "Susie Q" is married now and about to have a baby. So I guess they danced the "cha-cha" at least once right...

Wed Dec 21, 03:35:00 PM  
Blogger Frank McBoob said...

I think you're wrong. I bet they have sex every single night... sometimes a couple of times in a night.

Imagine, if you will, not having sex or anything close to it for 25 years... when you can... you're gonnna be doin' it A TON!

It might be sloppy, but I'm sure they have a grand time.

Frank U. McBoob

Wed Dec 21, 04:16:00 PM  
Blogger Cairde said...

Hopefully they adhered to the old saying, "Practice makes perfect"...nothing wrong w/ a lot of practice. :)

Wed Dec 21, 06:11:00 PM  
Blogger Ryan said...

This just proves there isn't enough sex on television. How can someone have avoided any form of knowledge about getting their crotch made out with.

Thu Dec 22, 02:26:00 AM  
Blogger minwah said...

You're not a loser 'cause you don't have a man. Love is grand, true - but it usually kicks you in the stomach at some point, and who needs that crap??

I have no idea what they were doing with the door shut...Scrabble anyone?

Thu Dec 22, 08:53:00 AM  
Blogger blog Portland said...

Apparently this woman has never been on the internet, where sex is around every corner. Not that I'm complaining.

Thu Dec 22, 02:45:00 PM  
Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

I'd never kick you in the stomach, dear Minwah. Now come to Dyckerson...

Thu Dec 22, 03:12:00 PM  
Blogger Frankie B said...

Heya Revree,

I am busting: Rain, TG, Revree, Karlababble and Lamb

Fri Dec 23, 11:00:00 AM  
Anonymous Hank said...


Sean Lennon is looking for a girlfriend. You could totally be sleeping with the son of a famous guy right now.

Fri Dec 30, 04:49:00 PM  

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