Monday, August 06, 2007

I think he's having an affair...


with the bed...

Yes my dear blogging friends. I've just recently started suspecting that my "pseudo boyfriend" is having some type of sick, twisted affair with the bed....YES, THE BED HE SLEEPS IN!!!

Just the other night, I'm getting ready for bed and I hear something...I stop to listen and I can hear him talking in that low, whisper voice he does...the one he uses when trying to seduce me. (trust me, it doesn't take much...what? I can't help it....)

ANYWAY, I stop brushing my teeth and listen. I hear him saying something like,
"Oh baby, you are so beautiful, you make me feel so goood, I just love falling in to you. Mmmmm GOD! I just want to sink deep into your warm soft pillows and fall asleep in you"

I bust out laughing, thinking he's talking to me. I say something like...
"I'll be there in a second babe..."

He doesn't answer, he continues...

"you're so warm, so fucking soft.

I just want to lay on top of you, grinding my hot, sweaty, dirty body against you and your softness, just letting me and all my manliness sink in.

The way you take all of me without a word of protest, wrapping your softness around my entire body sending warmth through me.

I love those little noises you makes during sex and the way you squeak when I bounce up and down, up and down, up and down on top of you...GRRRRRRRROWL!!!"

(yes ladies and gentlemen, he actually grrrowled)

Just after the last growl, I walk in and he's laying in the WHORE bed, hard-on and all, he sees me and quickly says,

"WHAT? HUH? WHO? WHAT HAPPENED? The bed means nothing to be baby...I swear..."

And then....then, he grunted.... and I'm about 99.9% sure he came...

*I snapped the picture above, catching him in the act to keep as evidence*

23 Comments:

Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Maybe he was making freaky love to one of the dust mites.

Sun Aug 05, 07:19:00 AM  
Blogger SpongyBones said...

This coming from the mini man stalker. I bet he peeked into one of your books... just saying.

Sun Aug 05, 05:20:00 PM  
Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I would check to see if he cut a hole in the mattress.

Sun Aug 05, 07:18:00 PM  
Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

Thank God it wasn't a water bed. He might have drowned.

Sun Aug 05, 07:41:00 PM  
Blogger Steph said...

So I guess you have a lot of threesomes then.

Sun Aug 05, 10:05:00 PM  
Anonymous Nocturnal said...

It must have been those bars, S&M central.

Cheers

Sun Aug 05, 10:47:00 PM  
Blogger Scary Monster said...

Mebbe it not be just the bed, but the pillows too. He could be having an orgy goin on there.

STOMP.

Sun Aug 05, 11:12:00 PM  
Blogger SpongyBones said...

Somebody came by and knocked on my door and left a bag of dog crap ... any ideas WHO THAT MAY BE!

Sun Aug 05, 11:13:00 PM  
Blogger Ryan said...

I had sex with a couch once so I don't find this weird at all.

Mon Aug 06, 09:13:00 AM  
Blogger Dan said...

Oh baby! Can I have that bed's phone number?

Mon Aug 06, 09:39:00 AM  
Blogger Mortarbored said...

There's a simple solution to this. Just propose that you join the two of them for a threesome. Hot.

Mon Aug 06, 10:35:00 AM  
Blogger Christie said...

When we got our new bed, I named it Precious and refused to leave it. I'm not kidding, I loved it almost as much as I did my husband.

However, I never simulated sex with it or spoke sweet nothings to it's fluffy pillows. That's just weird.

Mon Aug 06, 12:04:00 PM  
Blogger Scary Monster said...

Iffin he's had that bed fer a long time Me would be plenty worried. They got a history. That's sumpin that be difficult to deal with. Me suggests itching powder in the sheets.

STOMP.

Mon Aug 06, 07:44:00 PM  
Blogger SpongyBones said...

I had sex on a bean bag once ... does that count?

Mon Aug 06, 07:47:00 PM  
Blogger Sassy Blondie said...

I'm just wondering where I can get such a fabulous bed...

Mon Aug 06, 07:50:00 PM  
Blogger RevRee said...

~Puerileuwaite: Dust mites are the least of my worries at this point...

~Spongybones: Odd you should mention that, he sometimes finds my books and read them aloud to me...would it be wrong of me to admit it slightly arouses me?...

~Dr. Ken: he told me the bed already had the "hole" when he bought it...

~Mighty Dyckerson: This isn't the time or place

~Steph & Mortarbored: Hahahah you guys crack me up! I'm sure he would agree with you both 100%

~Nocturnal: This is why he got me purple handcuffs for Christmas

~Spongybones: I have no idea what you're talking about...poo? What poo? That's a horrible thing for someone to do...lalalalal

~Ryan: I also remember a story you once told about a past girlfriend, a tampon and sex...

~Dan: The number to contact the bed is 212-479-7990...I dare you to call that number!

~Christie: He's a weird, weird guy...but I can't seem to get enough of him. I guess it's like that saying goes "when in Rome" or was it "Takes one to know one" ?...

~Spongybones: bean bags only count if you were in a dark room with black lights, some AC/DC playing in the background and the smell of patchouli in the air...

~Sassy: Simply lay in your bed tonight, start talking dirty to it and you'll be amazed at the arousal you'll experience...

Mon Aug 06, 08:32:00 PM  
Blogger Jenny! said...

If that bed was one of those fancy things with the memory foam...he was just trying to see what its like ot fuck himself...how vain!

Tue Aug 07, 12:31:00 PM  
Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

And here I thought when the Bionic Woman talked about the Sleep Number bed, she was refering to how hard you make the bed, not how hard it makes you!

Tue Aug 07, 02:32:00 PM  
Blogger SpongyBones said...

Why does he have bars on his bed is that to keep the women out or the monster in ...

Tue Aug 07, 08:00:00 PM  
Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

Spongy -
Maybe the bars are there for restraint purposes.

Wed Aug 08, 09:04:00 AM  
Blogger SpongyBones said...

For her or him LOL! I bet there was a book in that book that she was reading ...

Wed Aug 08, 11:21:00 AM  
Blogger SpongyBones said...

You still tied down?

Wed Aug 08, 11:24:00 PM  
Blogger The [Cherry] Ride said...

I think I'm in love with my bed, too. It is a sickness.

Thu Aug 09, 11:52:00 AM  

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