Tuesday, September 19, 2006

How NOT to pick up a chick at a bar 101

Recently I was at a local pub, visiting a friend of mine who happened to be the bartender for the night. It was a late evening, I was just out to share a drink before ending my night only to begin a another day.

Sitting at the corner of the bar drinking my October Fest, minding my own business. I see this man watching me, I of course attempt to make no direct eye contact with this gawking male.

Now, don't get me wrong. He wasn't a bad looking guy. As you know, I have no problems with a man finding me attractive or "checking me out", as they say. But, he just wasn't my type, I guess.

Eventually he makes his way to my little corner of the world, where I thought was a nice spot to visit my friend and not to be bothered, I was wrong!

I really wish someone would have told me that the corner of a bar counter was the spot that has a flashing neon sign that says "Talk to me, In need of attention, looking for some fun, HURRY SALE ENDS SOON!!!"

Gawking Male : Mind if I join you for a drink?

Me : Sure...

For some damn reason there was NO bar stools available anyplace!! So, he just stands at my side, VERY close by my side.

This folks, is where he begins to crash and burn.

Gawking Male: I'm sorry, if I'm bothering you just let me know...

This was being said after about 15 minutes had passed in silence from the time he walked over and asked to join me and then... BAM! he say's that.

How could he be bothering me? We weren't talking! He hadn't even told me his name, there was no interaction except his first request to join me. For all practical purposes I was still sitting alone. I thought to myself, "maybe he's just shy?"

Me: Oh, your fine. don't worry about it. (I was trying to be as kind as possible.)

Finely after it began to get a little weird, I extend my hand and introduce my self. Thinking that might break the proverbial ice and give him an opening for some kind of verbal communication... Boy do I regret that!

Me: I'm RevRee...

(He turns, seeming a bit startled.)

Gawking Male: Sorry, what did you say?

(As he gets as close to my face as humanly possible.)

It was kind of loud with music so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Mistake # two!

Me: RevRee, my name is RevRee...

Gawking Male: Oh, nice to meet you, I'm Steve...

We shake hands

Gawking Male/Steve: You have a hand shake like a man...

Me: thank you...? (I mean really, what am I suppose to say?)

Gawking Male/Steve: I'm sure you have guys asking to sit with you all the time, Huh?

Me: Oh you know, every once and a wile... (false modesty, right there ladies and gentlemen..HA!)

Gawking Male/Steve: Yeah right!

He burst out and then laughs loudly and grabs my arm wrapping his arms around mine and then proceeds to do some kind of, leaning and swing thing??? I'm pretty sure he read in a book some where...

Ok, let me try and give you a visual - by doing this technique you first let out this abrupt, obnoxious. laugh, trying to give the appearance that what had just been said, was so funny that you had to lunge forward as though it was "gut wrenchingly funny", swing across the "unsuspecting female's" chest and hold while laughing about 2 minutes to long.

After he had his little "episode" he swings back and says, " Woo, that was funny"

Now, I admit, at this point I was having a slight internal struggle.... I was torn between being completely turned off and annoyed but at the same time, finding this incredibly entertaining. So, I decided to stick it out for a while longer.

At this point we've known each other for about oh...45 minutes. the bartender (MY FRIEND WHO SHOULD HAVE RESCUED ME!) comes over to us and proceeds to tell us this joke. In the joke, it mentioned anal sex. (this was not the point of the joke but it was mentioned.)

After the joke was told we all laughed politely and the bartender went back to serving customers. (JERK)

Gawking Male/Steve: so, have you?

Me: Have I what?

Gawking Male/Steve: have you ever had anal sex?

The Hell!???

I look at him thinkin' to myself, "this guys a fucking weirdo!"

Me: Umm...well, have you? (trying to re-direct his question)

Gawking Male/Steve: Yeah, I tried it once.

Me: And how was it?

Gawking Male/Steve: it was ok. Not my favorite but, it wasn't so bad.

I decided, knowing full well he was referring to being with a women, to mess with him a bit.

Me: So, would you consider your self bi?

Gawking Male/Steve: What! No, not at all. I was with a women.

Me: Oh, So...did she put on a strap on or something? (I thought I'd pock and prod just a tad more..hahaha)

He of course scrambled to explain to me that he was the "giver not the receiver"

(Not that I gave a Rats Ass!)

All of this being said having to endure his lean and swing technique on multiple occasions. I soon learned, that one, was his favorite along with nestling his nose in my ear, stroking my hair, and playfully shoving me almost off my stool every time.

He was like a big dog that didn't understand why he couldn't sit on your lap.

The point in the night where he really struck out, was when the poor man told me how humiliating it was when his now ex-wife found him masturbating in they're bedroom in the middle of the day thinking she was still at work....


I felt for him, I really did. he got kind of quiet after that.

Poor guy...

Anyway, through the course of the night we managed to cover religion, politics, sex, abortion, death, heroin, his strange attraction to his kids babysitter, and his issues with his divorce.

And now we're at the point of the story where I ask, what have we learned from this...?

Well, I don't know about you, but I didn't learn a damn thing!

Except maybe, next time try a different seat at the bar. Oh, and make sure everyone is out of the house before attempting to masturbate...


Blogger GirlGoyle said...

How about thinking twice before letting a guy hang out when there is no attraction. I would've decked him the first time he did the grabby thing. What is wrong with people?? Do they not have any concern for personal space??

Tue Sep 19, 06:46:00 AM  
Anonymous Rich said...

Oh my god..thats fucking hilarious!! I would have immediately made my excuses and left when he 'invaded the private space'..but a stranger chats you up with 'anal sex' talk?? PRICELESS!! Thak god you stuck it out, even just for our enjoyment! Maybe I should have tried that on [Cherry] on our 1st date! (truth be told he probably would have jumped my bones right there and then if I had!)

Tue Sep 19, 07:57:00 AM  
Blogger the dude said...

Wow and I imagine this guy was in his early 30s or so, since he was married and had kids. I'm 24 and know not to talk about that stuff unless I want to get slapped in the face. Heck if I had it my way I wouldn't talk much at all and just ask her all the questions. A lot less bad things can happen.

Tue Sep 19, 08:28:00 AM  
Blogger thebillofbrothers said...

(head shaking) poor poor man.

Admit it though, if he was smoking hot, it wouldn't matter how he acted, you'd be all over him.

Tue Sep 19, 09:05:00 AM  
Blogger /t. said...

i thot
it went well

does this mean
we won't be hooking
up for that threesome with my inflatable friend?


Tue Sep 19, 10:15:00 AM  
Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

Why does every one of RevRee's posts involve something bizarre taking place in a bar??

Tue Sep 19, 11:46:00 AM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

May I join you for some quiet anal sex?

Tue Sep 19, 12:16:00 PM  
Blogger RevRee said...

Girlgoule: I was tempted to give him a piece of my mind and tell him just how pathetic he really was. But, I was having way to much fun! Plus, this is great stuff to write on my blog!

Rich: Just once, can we share Cherry?....please?

Dude: You've learned ealy on, to never discuess anal sex with a woman when speaking to her for the first time...good man!

Billy: I'm not some cheap whore who will do anyone. I have my standards! what are you doing later?...

/t: I'm worried about you...

Dyckerson: why do all your posts have something to do with tits, ass, shit or pussy?

puerileuwaite: only if you're gentle...

Tue Sep 19, 01:52:00 PM  
Blogger /t. said...

and well
you should be,
my dear...

i know
where you blog


Tue Sep 19, 02:42:00 PM  
Blogger Skwerly said...

Sheesh, I just *really* do not know what to say about that guy...I'd have been hard-pressed not to punch his teeth in for asking the anal sex question.

Tue Sep 19, 02:48:00 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Hello? Da masturbater is in de house!

Tue Sep 19, 03:11:00 PM  
Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

That guy had NO GAME. His game was a lot like Lenny from Of Mice and Men. I'm surprised he didn't ask you if he could "tend the rabbits" as he stroked your hair. Speaking of stroking, I can't believe he told you about getting caught burping the worm.

Rev, do us a favor and go to a bar by yourself, looking fine, at least once a week for the sole purpose of getting fodder for blogs just like this one.

Tue Sep 19, 03:47:00 PM  
Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dyckerson: why do all your posts have something to do with tits, ass, shit or pussy?

I'm simply giving the people what they want, my dear...

Tue Sep 19, 05:02:00 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Sounds like a love connection to me...

Tue Sep 19, 05:38:00 PM  
Blogger Willo Keays said...

Ah.... Thank GOD for Rev Ree's adventures! I can continue to live my life vicariouly through hers. Keep up the good work Rev - God only knows when I'll have a .... ummmm ... life {yeah .. that's what I was going to say} of my own again!

Tue Sep 19, 06:31:00 PM  
Blogger RevRee said...

Skwerly: Its all due to the fact that I could post this on my blog, I suffered for the people...

puerileuwaite: next time I catch you masturbating in the bedroom, will you at least use your hands and stop trying to put it in your mouth?

Dr. Ken: It's a sad, sad world we live in. Maybe men like you should teach classes on this subject. Teach the astray men how to get a good woman!

Dyckerson: Don't hate me because men wanna do me, woman wanna be me and I had your cyber son!

Mr. Fab: You just wanna watch!

Willo: Aren't you excited??? Now that you're single too, this is what you have to look forward to!

Tue Sep 19, 08:45:00 PM  
Blogger Gadzilla said...

Dyck.. may I call you Dyck? You clearly do give a shit. :)

and Revree you must receive some sort of good samaritan award for not sending this man off to muster his way into some unsuspecting drunk womans pants and creating spawn.

Tue Sep 19, 09:09:00 PM  
Anonymous moderator said...

Since she didn't answer the question that guy the guy in so much trouble, I will answer it for her. She has.

Tue Sep 19, 10:29:00 PM  
Blogger tfg said...

What you said about making sure everyone has vacated the house first also applies to voting booths.

Wed Sep 20, 05:16:00 AM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

TFG, how did you know I like to mastubate in voting booths? It's like a peep show with no quarters required!

Wed Sep 20, 08:58:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why O Why did you not leave after that first swing maneuver? Was the free drink that important to you?

Wed Sep 20, 10:44:00 AM  
Blogger thebillofbrothers said...


Now now rev I didn't say that you are some cheap whore.

Wed Sep 20, 03:27:00 PM  
Blogger RevRee said...

Cherry: I admit, I had my blog on my mind the whole time. I took one for the "team" just to entertain you my love!

Billy:I know darlin'! ;-)
P.S. What are you doing later?...

tfg:That was YOU????

Wed Sep 20, 04:10:00 PM  
Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

Asking for anal sex is a great ice-breaker.

Try it at a job interview.

Wed Sep 20, 06:45:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This has to be one of the most entertaining blogs I visit everyday. I mean, it's so much fun to read that it could, nay, should be turned into a sitcom.

"The Life and Times of RevRee, Thursdays on the new CW." A sure ratings getter.


Thu Sep 21, 07:12:00 AM  
Blogger thebillofbrothers said...

Later? I'll be chained to my desk until the magic hour of exodus, then going to pick up my boys from my ex-inlaws. A short drive home and I'll be making dinner, feeding the boys, cleaning the dishes, spending QT with the boys (legos, cars or sword fights), then after I put them to bed I'll be sitting on the couch exchanging foot-rubs and nibbles with my girl.

Ahhh the life of a parent. Not the flashy lifestyle you single peeps experience.

How about you Rev? What are you doing later?

Thu Sep 21, 08:48:00 AM  
Blogger jmeped said...

hahahahahha!!!! That is funny. I love an ignorant man!

Thu Sep 21, 03:10:00 PM  
Blogger thebillofbrothers said...

I'm anything but ignorant... just being a good boy.

Fri Sep 22, 07:59:00 AM  
Blogger RevRee said...

I think you're a good man Billy!

Fri Sep 22, 06:14:00 PM  

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