How NOT to pick up a chick at a bar 101

Recently I was at a local pub, visiting a friend of mine who happened to be the bartender for the night. It was a late evening, I was just out to share a drink before ending my night only to begin a another day.

Sitting at the corner of the bar drinking my October Fest, minding my own business. I see this man watching me, I of course attempt to make no direct eye contact with this gawking male.

Now, don't get me wrong. He wasn't a bad looking guy. As you know, I have no problems with a man finding me attractive or "checking me out", as they say. But, he just wasn't my type, I guess.

Eventually he makes his way to my little corner of the world, where I thought was a nice spot to visit my friend and not to be bothered, I was wrong!

I really wish someone would have told me that the corner of a bar counter was the spot that has a flashing neon sign that says "Talk to me, In need of attention, looking for some fun, HURRY SALE ENDS SOON!!!"

Gawking Male : Mind if I join you for a drink?

Me : Sure...

For some damn reason there was NO bar stools available anyplace!! So, he just stands at my side, VERY close by my side.

This folks, is where he begins to crash and burn.

Gawking Male: I'm sorry, if I'm bothering you just let me know...

This was being said after about 15 minutes had passed in silence from the time he walked over and asked to join me and then... BAM! he say's that.

How could he be bothering me? We weren't talking! He hadn't even told me his name, there was no interaction except his first request to join me. For all practical purposes I was still sitting alone. I thought to myself, "maybe he's just shy?"

Me: Oh, your fine. don't worry about it. (I was trying to be as kind as possible.)

Finely after it began to get a little weird, I extend my hand and introduce my self. Thinking that might break the proverbial ice and give him an opening for some kind of verbal communication... Boy do I regret that!

Me: I'm RevRee...

(He turns, seeming a bit startled.)

Gawking Male: Sorry, what did you say?

(As he gets as close to my face as humanly possible.)

It was kind of loud with music so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Mistake # two!

Me: RevRee, my name is RevRee...

Gawking Male: Oh, nice to meet you, I'm Steve...

We shake hands

Gawking Male/Steve: You have a hand shake like a man...

Me: thank you...? (I mean really, what am I suppose to say?)

Gawking Male/Steve: I'm sure you have guys asking to sit with you all the time, Huh?

Me: Oh you know, every once and a wile... (false modesty, right there ladies and gentlemen..HA!)

Gawking Male/Steve: Yeah right!

He burst out and then laughs loudly and grabs my arm wrapping his arms around mine and then proceeds to do some kind of, leaning and swing thing??? I'm pretty sure he read in a book some where...

Ok, let me try and give you a visual - by doing this technique you first let out this abrupt, obnoxious. laugh, trying to give the appearance that what had just been said, was so funny that you had to lunge forward as though it was "gut wrenchingly funny", swing across the "unsuspecting female's" chest and hold while laughing about 2 minutes to long.

After he had his little "episode" he swings back and says, " Woo, that was funny"

Now, I admit, at this point I was having a slight internal struggle.... I was torn between being completely turned off and annoyed but at the same time, finding this incredibly entertaining. So, I decided to stick it out for a while longer.

At this point we've known each other for about oh...45 minutes. the bartender (MY FRIEND WHO SHOULD HAVE RESCUED ME!) comes over to us and proceeds to tell us this joke. In the joke, it mentioned anal sex. (this was not the point of the joke but it was mentioned.)

After the joke was told we all laughed politely and the bartender went back to serving customers. (JERK)

Gawking Male/Steve: so, have you?

Me: Have I what?

Gawking Male/Steve: have you ever had anal sex?

The Hell!???

I look at him thinkin' to myself, "this guys a fucking weirdo!"

Me: Umm...well, have you? (trying to re-direct his question)

Gawking Male/Steve: Yeah, I tried it once.

Me: And how was it?

Gawking Male/Steve: it was ok. Not my favorite but, it wasn't so bad.

I decided, knowing full well he was referring to being with a women, to mess with him a bit.

Me: So, would you consider your self bi?

Gawking Male/Steve: What! No, not at all. I was with a women.

Me: Oh, So...did she put on a strap on or something? (I thought I'd pock and prod just a tad more..hahaha)

He of course scrambled to explain to me that he was the "giver not the receiver"

(Not that I gave a Rats Ass!)

All of this being said having to endure his lean and swing technique on multiple occasions. I soon learned, that one, was his favorite along with nestling his nose in my ear, stroking my hair, and playfully shoving me almost off my stool every time.

He was like a big dog that didn't understand why he couldn't sit on your lap.

The point in the night where he really struck out, was when the poor man told me how humiliating it was when his now ex-wife found him masturbating in they're bedroom in the middle of the day thinking she was still at work....

BWHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAH!!!!!

I felt for him, I really did. he got kind of quiet after that.

Poor guy...

Anyway, through the course of the night we managed to cover religion, politics, sex, abortion, death, heroin, his strange attraction to his kids babysitter, and his issues with his divorce.

And now we're at the point of the story where I ask, what have we learned from this...?

Well, I don't know about you, but I didn't learn a damn thing!

Except maybe, next time try a different seat at the bar. Oh, and make sure everyone is out of the house before attempting to masturbate...